Mermaids, etc.

we interrupt this homeschooling message with...

2012-01-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

a brief note on pregnancy.

This is how I feel most days:

Which is to say, BIG, waddley, cumbersome, awkward. In Russian, the word for pregnant is беременная, which literally means "burdened." I'm okay with this. When it's gone, I'm going to remember it with a funny, rose-colored nostalgia. I'll long for it again, just like I did the last two times. I have no doubt of it.

And this is how the midwives say I measure up:

Pregnant, but only just. Most check-ups, they measure my tummy twice to "make" the measurement slightly bigger than the time before. Some weeks I gain weight, other weeks I don't. Now, they squash my tummy this way and that and say, "It doesn't feel like a big baby. I'd say six pounds, maybe seven."

This is what they said about the toddler. He was 8 pounds, two ounces.

The only difference here is that the midwives I (currently) have don't consider themselves the end-all be-all authority on these things. They are much more open to a mother's thoughts and feelings about what is actually happening with her body. They're okay with the possibility of being wrong.

There are few things that inspire my confidence in medical professionals more than their security with the prospect of being wrong.

This child is OCCUPYING me. It doesn't matter what I look like on the outside. This little boy can tickle the hollow of my right thigh (don't ask me how), while simultaneously banging his head on my bladder (you have no clue how hard it is to "hold it" all the time when you don't actually have to go), AND kicking my left posterior ribs and lung, leaving me really short of breath.

I have caught the hard, knobby edge of a foot as it plunged up against my sternum/diaphragm and manually forced it back down, only to have this little boy flip and kick me in both lungs. Either way, I have the wind knocked out of me. The husband saw this and asked if I was having another bad contraction. If only.

It's a rambling, disorganized was of saying it, but outward appearances don't count for much. In my own direct (and vain) way, I want credit for this bundle of anarchist joy growing inside of me. If people's eyes bulged at the sight of my (and, by extension my baby's), enormity--if they could somehow know of the weight and the perpetual, insane motion happening, it would be more than alright with me. I know it's a silly thing, but don't we all want to be seen for what we are on the inside?

Personally, I'm happy to be this right now.

In the face of every discomfort it brings, I know it's fleeting. I do not take offense at comment on my breadth and girth, because it would be an accurate reflection of something that makes me feel real and grounded, and so strangely ephemeral and human at the same time. But, as you know, largeness is something of a taboo. It's the elephant in the room that we can only complain about (in reference to oneself), and then, only with people who we think would sympathize and add to our self-deprecating tirade by making self-deprecating comments of their own.

People with positive body image are such party poopers.

This is getting increasingly disorganized and random. I think I'll finish now.

Homeschooling Part 1-B: The WHAT, continued.

2012-01-19T12:14:00.000-08:00

The next five subjects:

6. History
7. Math
8. Science or Art
9. Handwriting
10. French

Are things that happen much less frequently. They are important, and, with any luck, will have adopted a groove in our daily life by the time kindergarten rolls around this fall. For now, they area just fun when we find the time/sanity to attempt them.

6. History:

I use the Sonlight Kindergarten stuff. I like it so far. (You can buy a Sonlight Instructor's Guide, used on ebay or amazon for less than half of what it would cost new. It has the read-aloud guide and the history guide. It's darn useful for scheduling and learning different teaching methods.)

7. Math

Math is dear to me. Why? I was always bad at it. It was a major source of distress in my life from early elementary through college. If I succeed with my children, they will never know how I feel about math. They will not be stressed out about math. They will do math, and, God Willing, they will love it. Perhaps I'll learn more math in the process. I've never taken a calculus class. That being said, I've never played the violin before September. Now that Jane has been taking lessons, I, too, can scratch out "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" on the 1/8 sized instrument.*

We use/will use MEP. It's free. It's British. It's meant to make children better mathematicians. For now, we do a little here and a little there from the MEP curriculum while practicing addition and subtraction on our own. A friend of mine, who was OFFICIALLY homeschooling a kindergartner, said that it went well for the first 6 weeks, at which time the curriculum seemed to assume that the kindergartner was more grounded in the basics of addition and subtraction than she was. Ergo, we are focusing on getting that grounding before starting MEP in earnest. Like the articles of faith, addition and subtraction can be taught EVERYWHERE.

Example: The preschooler is on time out. For FIVE minutes. After two minutes have passed, I point out that she only has three minutes left. How much time has passed? The preschooler WILL use her fingers to work that difference as if her life depended on it.

8. Science or Art

This is where having "the right" friends on Pinterest comes in handy. Also, websites like this one.

9. Handwriting

Handwriting curricula is RIDICULOUSLY EXPENSIVE. I know penmanship is important, but I have a hard time seeing it as $250-style important. The preschooler gets practice sheets and copywork from handy websites like this one. I love that we can personalize them to say things that are of interest to the preschooler.

10. French

This is the most fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants part of my whole scheme. I have yet to find a French curriculum designed for teaching 4/5 year olds, that I like. Most of them are inane multi-media presentations, which, while possibly good, seem more expensive than educational. I can turn on the French dubbing option onto any of the preschooler's favorite movies for free. I don't think bells and whistles are necessary to teach stuff like this (as you may find from my approach to learning to read--one book and a website is A LOT less than most public schools require to accomplish the same result). Ergo, the preschooler and I are going it on our own. Currently, we are working on colors and simple phrases...when I remember during the day. The preschooler has also gotten into the habit of asking how to say things in French. Thank you, Fancy Nancy.

11. (I know. I didn't tell you there'd be an 11.) This 11 is an integral part of making homeschooling "work" for me. It's also an integral part of my children's education.

CHILD LABOR

This happens every day to one extent or another. The preschooler is required to pick up after herself, make her bed, set the table, empty the silverware from the dishwasher, clear the table, run things through the Salad Shooter on cooking day, put away her own laundry, and do any other thing of which she is capable which is needed. In less practical chores, she pours her own cereal, dishes her own meals, and gets her own drinks. She is moving into the arena of making her own peanut butter sandwiches. This is messier than it is helpful, but the helpful factor is going up, while the messy factor is going down.

The toddler (recently turned two) is also learning to set the table and make his bed and pick up after himself.

Why?

1. Most importantly, I want my children to have the self-esteem that comes from good work ethic. I want them to have the self-respect that comes from being a needed and integral element in the practical workings of their household. I want them to be able to take care of their own dang laundry, shopping, cooking, and LIVING when they go off to college. Heck, I'd be happy for them to take care of their own laundry by the time they're in middle school. I did.

2. I don't know how many children I want. I DO know that however many children I have, I fully intend to live as stress-free a life as possible. One of the least high-strung mothers I know has over a dozen children. When her kids are home, they take the initiative to cook, clean, and do whatever else is necessary at her house. They don't regress into spoiled, unhelpful children--because (I strongly suspect) that's not what they were as children. However many children I have, I REFUSE to be a mother who is (or claims to be) a put -upon, overworked, underappreciated martyr because of her unfair share of household duty. Ergo, I have to be the mother who makes the very big down payment of teaching and enforcing this stuff NOW. I am very blessed in this process by a husband who is very domestically capable and willing. He sets a good example of showing that this isn't just Mommy's job. In addition to that, he is just as willing as I am to slave-drive our children a part of our daily life.

Thoughts?

*This brings me to a BIG point that is meant for a later blog post: You don't HAVE to know everything to be an adequate teacher. You can learn as you go. In some ways, this can be more effective, because you can see things the way the student is seeing them. I had someone insist that he and his wife (both college graduates) would not be as qualified as my husband and I, because we had degrees in "general ed" type stuff (English and French for me, Physics and Math for the husband). This is silly. If you can read, you can teach someone to read, learning how to teach reading in the process. If you can't read, you can teach yourself as you teach your kid. Like I said, I didn't have a CLUE how to play the violin until I became responsible for overseeing the preschooler's practice and attending her classes.

I'm going to stop now, before this becomes another blog post.

Homeschooling part I: The WHAT

2012-01-18T12:21:00.000-08:00

THE WHAT

As you know, the preschooler won't be five till this summer. Does that mean we have a carte blanche to ignore her education? Certainly not. Why waste the most valuable, impressionable years of life on Sesame Street when you could be having just as much fun (or more) learning to read and play music?**

I have been asked what I do in my "homeschool." Here is the long answer.

There are 10 things I aspire to do with the preschooler daily. The 4 most important things honestly DO get done every day, barring Natural Disaster or Act of God.*** The rest of them happen here and there, when we get lucky.

They are as follows:

1. Violin
2. Preschooler Reads
3. Mom Reads
4. Scriptures
5. Articles of Faith
6. History
7. Math
8. Science or Art
9. Handwriting
10. French

It's not as overwhelming a list as it would seem. Really. Most of these things take 5-15 minutes of serious face time for them to be effective. It adds up to about 2.5 solid hours in a day. When we are having an on the ball day, all of this has been done, (and done well) before 10 am.****

1. Suzuki Violin

Cost: $40 for 3 months of violin rental, plus $10 for the weekly lesson.
Time: Anywhere from 15 minutes to 1 hour daily.

This is by far the biggest investment, time and money wise, of all our educational pursuits. There are days when the preschooler will happily practice for nearly an hour, and practice well. There are days when I am REALLY lucky to get fifteen minutes of decent practice out of her, and sometimes it takes full hour to get them. Most commonly, we spend 20-25 minutes practicing and it's a happy bonding experience for both of us. She's been taking lessons since September and can play the first variation to "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" on her own (as long as she has no audience but the toddler and I). I'm going to secretly film her, just to prove that she can do it, since I'm the only witness to it....

2. Preschooler reads

Cost: Free, plus the cost of readers (I inherited most books from my mother and starfall.com is free).
Time: 10-20 minutes a day when she was learning to read; now, much less, since she'll read on her own.

We started out in September with this book. She had a solid idea of letters and their sounds before then, thanks to this website. That's all it took. Now she reads P.D. Eastman, Dr. Seuss, and lots of level 1 and 2 readers, many of which were generous gifts from grandparents. I made it a goal to make sure she read something every day after finishing our 100 lessons, and at first it was something that needed to be formal, like sitting down to a reading lesson. Now, she stays up at night reading (whispering out loud) by the light of her night light. Since she is now motivated to read on her own, my job is as simple as keeping her supplied with reading material that she can be challenged by and enthusiastic about. I find that one of the best ways to do this is to read something new to her (she'll want to read it on her own later if she likes it) and ask her to read to her brother (she likes being the omniscient grown-up.)

3. Mom Reads

Cost: 10 cents a book if you hit up the public library book sales
Time: 10 minutes to an hour, if we have time. The preschooler generally wants just one more chapter.

Yes, this happens all the time anyway. The children get stories before naptime. They get stories before bedtime. They get stories when they are stuck in the house and going crazy. They get stories when mommy doesn't have the energy to get off her posterior and be productive (more and more lately). All that being said, stories in the context of our "homeschool" are special. They're CHAPTER BOOKS.

It's amazing, when you look around, how many chapter books are written to be understood by 4/5 year olds. It took some getting used to, but as we went, the preschooler's attention span stretched quickly. We started by using the Sonlight books and Read-Aloud guide for Kindergarten--it shows you how to discuss things ahead of time to give the kid context for the book, and how to ask questions during and after to keep her engaged (if you hit a "big word" ask if she knows what it means and talk about the meaning). After we got the hang of it, we branched out on our own, reading together without the guide.

If you need to be converted to the virtues of reading aloud (or convinced of the evils of TV and other media) please PLEASE PLEASE read this book. If you are already indoctrinated, read it anyway. It will make you warm and fuzzy inside and you may learn something new about the finer points of "selling" books to kids. One of Trelease's strongest arguments is that reading (and being read to) should be fun. It shouldn't be about worksheets and exams so much as cultivating passion and lighting a fire. Oprah did it for hundreds of thousands of women with her book club. J.K. Rowling does it for millions of children by making them fall in love with Harry. We can do it with our kids.

Apart from the Sonlight read-alouds and guide, we've found other books that delight the 4 year old, including:

Little House in the Big Woods
The Dragons of Blueland and Elmer and the Dragon (Sequels to My Father's Dragon)
The Paddington Bear Series

4. Scriptures

Cost: Free-7.00 (to buy the readers)
Time: 5 minutes to an hour or more, as per the children's request and what time we have

We use the Book of Mormon Reader, New Testament Reader, Old Testament Reader, and Doctrine and Covenants Reader. It could be called a subset of "Mom Reads" but it stands alone for two reasons.

1. Sometimes we cheat and watch the windows media videos of said scriptures, and
2. These are stories that, more than regular reading, I want my children to know and understand. I want them to be able to apply them in the context of life. There is nothing more exciting than seeing that happen. We read the Book of Mormon (the actual one) at night as a family. The other week, we got to a story about Abinadi. The Preschooler recognized him from her Book of Mormon Reader. The other Sunday, someone started talking about Joseph (Old Testament, sold into Egypt) and the preschooler got very excited and informed us that she had seen a movie about him. The goal is that their stories will have a context in the problems of the preschooler's life. I think she'll get there. Of course they should learn from everything they read, but the best things are learned from scripture.

5. Articles of Faith

Cost: Free

Time: A few minutes a day, can happen at any time

We're working on memorizing the Articles of Faith. Why? Because my children deserve a clear understanding of the faith of their parents. Because when something is memorized, it is always available to you in the context of questions or concerns. Because when something is memorized, it is becomes a part of you. When something is memorized, it can develop deeper understanding over time that would not otherwise happen. All of the Articles of Faith are set to music, but we like to learn them "dry" as well. This is something we can do together while driving in the car, making dinner, playing with blocks, etc. All I have to do is sing one or two of them, look in the rear view mirror, and ask if the preschooler remembers...the second article of faith. The preschooler likes to show off, so she'll either do it or try to.

I've run out of energy (again) so the rest of this post will have to wait. Above are the things we generally succeed in doing. The next post will detail the things we aspire to do consistently.

Fin.

**That doesn't mean television doesn't have its place. It most certainly does. It falls in with marshmallows. If the child is starving to death, it's better to feed him marshmallows than let him die. Marshmallows, however, cannot be trusted to help a child thrive. We don't own a TV, but we do have a Netflix Watch Instantly account and a computer. In times of starvation (read: desperation), an episode of Whatever's Innocuous and Available can and will be employed to ward off death (read: mommy and progeny going crazy). Full thoughts on children and TV merit their own blog post. In the meantime, read the American Academy of Pediatrics' thoughts on it (or Jim Trelease's)--TV is one of the things about which "the man" and I agree.

***Yes, such things as infantile vomiting, unplanned emergency needs of friends, and maternal gallbladder attacks fall into the category of Natural Disaster or Act of God. A need to buy milk at Wal-Mart does not count.

****"On the ball days" are rare. They are much rarer now that my "time" is nearly upon me. I fully expect my life to be put on hold for a few weeks (or months) postpartum. Fortunately, lots of this stuff can be done while nursing. We'll burn that bridge (or conquer that mountain) when we get to it.

Resolve, involving YOU.

2012-01-10T13:17:00.000-08:00

My name is Sam and I used to blog.

I'm now Sam Who is 36 Weeks Pregnant And Doesn't Blog.

Except for today.

Here's the thing. I've hit another wall with the writing. After much thought, metaphorical head banging, and yes, prayer, I've come to the conclusion that now is not the time to pursue publication.

Sorry, you agents who were (not) clamoring for my novel. If you like it now, you're too late.

I'm rewriting it. Again. My only comfort here (apart from the less than comforting example of Dostoevsky) is Shannon Hale, who says she rewrote her first book nine times.

We're doing something new with this rewrite. In a few years, it involves YOU. Yes, you!

Here's the five-year plan. (Stalin had one, and now I do, too!)

1. Write ALL THREE BOOKS. In their entirety. I have a cool story in my head and it deserves to be told, dag-nab-it.

2. Spend no less than a year editing. Yes. A year. Learn to like editing. Learn to be good at editing.

3. Spend no less than a year agent-chasing. Learn to like agent-chasing. Learn to be good at agent chasing.

4. If there is no agent at the end of this time, my dear, patient readers, I am going to publish that trilogy, serially, on this blog. For you.

I have no patience with self-publishing as it is happening now. I have no interest in trying to climb to the top of Amazon's self-published e-book list. I have very little* interest in making money, substantial or otherwise.

So my books will be a gift to anyone who would consider them so. You'll just have to wait 3.5-4 years. Then, like I said, the series in its entirety will be published as a series of blog posts over the course of 1-1.5 years.

It's so lovely, freeing, terrifying, and (somehow) symmetrical. In five years, my work will no longer belong to me. It will be out where it belongs--with the proverbial Reader.

Reader, it will be yours. To love or hate or feel indifference about.....(that's an awkward sentence fragment, isn't it?)

Like all well-laid plans of mine, this one is subject to change without notice.

I have other resolutions to announce, but my atrophied blogging muscles have exerted themselves to their fullest.

Fin.

*I'm being honest. There is some interest. You can do a lot of cool stuff with filthy lucre. That being said, I've got more important things to worry about than making or spending money. As long as there is enough to feed and house the progeny, it's not really worth fussing over.

Things I love.

2011-11-14T11:37:00.001-08:00

1. Free curricula. Most recently, I've gotten my fix here (for math) and here (for science). If you know of something like this for French, do tell. I'm having a terrible time trying to find a non-media saturated kindergarten French program (i.e.-not computer based/TV based).

2. Unsolicited poops in the potty, courtesy of the toddler. Keep it up, dear boy. You're making Mommy quite ecstatic.

3. The new novel. Still not telling you about it. Don't ask. I might cave and tell you.

4. Our Nativity set. We've wanted one for quite some time, but all the sets we liked were an upwards of $100. I found one I LOVED at the thrift store for $7 last May, and have been aching to put it out ever since. It now has a focal point of honor over the fireplace. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy and delighted and Christmas-y every time I see it.

5. Vinyl lettering (?!). Yes. Sort of. I never thought I'd admit it, but I am ridiculously excited about a vinyl lettering project. You'll see the outcome sooner or later.

6. Once-a-month cooking. Actually, for me it's been twice a month. I love to cook, but not every day leaves me with the energy. This is the perfect way to get my cooking high in regular and large doses. Also, I've been finding on evenings when I still feel like cooking, dinner gets fancy side dishes. It's a win-win situation. So now, to expose my overly-ambitious, Don Quixote-esque temperament, I will tell you that I plan on cooking 24 meals next cooking day (December 1). Pray for me.

7. Getting rid of stuff. I don't know if it's pregnancy hormones or what, but I have made several trips to Goodwill in the last little while, as well as freecycled to friends. It's making everything feel good and right and clean around here.

8. Making lists. Once a month cooking and homeschool curriculum planning have done nothing good for my propensity for list making.

9. Knitting elephants. (Lots of this is happening as of late, too).

10. Siblings getting married. Why? Because marriage is AWESOME. Because I want to see my siblings happy and marriage is one of the great sources of happiness in life. I am so very, very excited for this impending wedding. On a more selfish note, I want more cousins for my children. Cousins are ridiculously fun. The husband and I currently only have one married sibling each, and while both are doing admirably in supplying our children with cousins, we are happy at the prospect of more to come. There is no such thing as too many cousins. (The husband has over 100 cousins and I have nearly 50)*.

What makes you happy?

*Yes, this is FIRST cousins only. This does not count the spouses or children of first cousins (although they are also most certainly beloved family).

A rather tedious story chronicling the triumphs and pitfalls of cooking day

2011-11-10T09:41:00.001-08:00

...because I'm too tired to do anything else...

As I write, 11 dinners are freezing in my freezer and one is cooling on the stove. It's a very warm, happy thought.

As a creaky-boned pregnant lady who must screw her courage to the sticking place to pop out of bed in the morning, having made another 12 dinners gives me an enormous sense of delight and accomplishment. Hence, you will be subjected to the photographic evidence:

Twice baked potatoes, flash-freezing on a cookie sheet; spanakopita turkey burgers flash freezing on a cookie sheet; 2 stacked pizzas, wrapped; a Martha Stewart Lasagna primavera; chili; stroganoff; tomato and bean stoup; 2 stacked dishes of chicken enchiladas; mushroom bisque; slow-roasted vegetable soup, and spinach soup. ALSO pictured: a stain from ink the preschooler spilled as a toddler and my befloured, besweatered pregnant belly. NOT pictured: The Boo-Sotto, which is still cooling in the kitchen.

To be fair, this all definitely came at a price. The kitchen sink is stacked with dishes, the floor is a disaster, the dishwasher is washing its third load of the day, and the bathroom looks like this:

The picture doesn't do it justice. It's much dirtier in person. The children ran amok like feral sugar babies the majority of the time. This is how the labor played out:

Yesterday:

We went grocery shopping. Then we came home and prepared gratuitous amounts of garlic, onions, bell pepper, celery, carrots etc. I taught the preschooler how to use the salad shooter and could therefore focus on seeding and peeling while she ran everything through the machine.

I then enslaved both of my children, charging the toddler with stirring the mushroom bisque and the preschooler with stirring the spinach soup while the roasted vegetable soup roasted in the oven. It was a singularly convenient arrangement, as both soups needed to be stirred frequently. With the children stirring, I could focus on getting all the ingredients measured (the children insisted on adding them) and both soups were ready within 45 minutes. The slow roasted vegetable soup had to roast for decidedly longer, but only took about 5 minutes of preparation afterwards.

Today:

I woke up, breakfasted the family, and invited the children to cook with me again. They declined, opting to play jump-up-and-down-the-stairs instead. I relented with the logic that they would get more exercise that way.

Fast forward two hours: I made pizza dough. While it was rising, I threw the potatoes in the oven and started 3 soups/stews/stoups (tomato and bean stoup, chili, and stroganoff). I've found that cooking more than one soup at a time is really time efficient. In most recipes, you start out by cooking onions and/or garlic and/or meat, right? And you have to stand there to make sure things get stirred and don't burn, halting the progress of anything else you might be doing.

If you're standing at the stove not doing anything else, it's easy to start get two other pots warmed and cooking while stirring the first. By the time you have onions cooking in the third pot, the first is nearly ready to start adding other things. Thus, the three pots of dinner took little more time as if I were just making one. The bean stoup was ready right away, while the chili had to simmer for an hour, but all three were essentially done needing my attention by the time I needed to take out the potatoes and parbake the pizza crusts.

While everything was cooling, I assembled the pizzas and began the lasagna primavera.

By the time the pizza, stoup, chili, and stroganoff were all done, the ~~natives~~ children had grown restless. I set them loose outside with the admonition to be safe and come in if you needed to pee-pee*. Fortunately, I can see most of my backyard from the kitchen, and, with the door open, I could hear them, too.

In the next hour of cooking, the toddler pee-peed his Thomas the Train underwear, filled the bathroom sink with dirt from the garden, and buried at least three spoons in the flower bed. The preschooler watered the flowers, occasionally helped the toddler wreck havoc, and made sure to tattle on his more innocuous activities at least a dozen times. I finished the lasagna primavera and chicken enchiladas.

When the progeny had become too tired and cranky to wreck havoc without hurting each other, I called them inside and agreed with the preschooler that it would be in everyone's best interest if I put on Veggie Tales.

While they watched Veggie Tales, I finished the twice-baked potatoes and lasagna primavera. By that time, I was able to enlist the preschooler in stirring the Boo-Sotto while I cleaned up everything around the stove and added stuff to the risotto dish.

So...in conclusion, this cooking day was a wild success as far as producing food was concerned, a moderate failure as far as being an attentive, interactive mom was concerned, and something of a catastrophe as far as keeping the house relatively clean was concerned. And do I have the wherewithal to clean now? Absolutely not.

But at least my house smells good.

To assuage my conscience, the toddler got lots of cuddles while the preschooler got two (!)** reading lessons in a row before naptime.

In a peripheral note, I have much higher hopes for this two-weeks' worth of recipes. They were carefully picked, tasted in the cooking process, and call for much less ketchup and soy sauce than last week's. In fact, none of them call for ketchup or soy sauce at all. Also, several of them required making roux, which is generally a very good sign. Also-also, the children are ridiculously excited to eat the four dinners they helped make. This makes me happy.

In an even more peripheral note, I am entertaining fantasies in which my children are older and able to read recipes, use knives, load and unload dishwashers, and operate near stoves without close supervision. In a world like that, I think we could pull off making thirty dinners in a morning.

Thoughts?

*The toddler is potty training. With the exception of a few wet underpants and one poo-tastrophe, he is taking to it admirably.

**The preschooler REALLY likes her reading lessons. She had a slight slump in interest for a week or so, but her passion for them has inexplicably returned with a vengeance. She'll do anything for an extra reading lesson. We've only got 7 lessons left in the book...I hope she likes early readers as much.

Copied and pasted addendum:

Since we have (nearly) gotten through the last cycle of dinners, I thought I'd review a few of them....this isn't entirely altruistic, as I decided I want to build a canon of good freezer recipes...and remember to never make the bad ones again.

Baked Jambalaya (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of assembly: Very Easy
Reconsitution: Good
Rating: 2

It smelled WONDERFUL, but turned out to be pretty mediocre. We won't be making it again.

Black bean soup (already made and frozen!)

Ease of Assembly: Moderately easy
Reconstitution: Very Good
Rating: 5

This is one of our family staples. It takes very little hands on time but lots of thinking ahead (soaking beans, slow-cooking soup). It froze well and came back as if it had not been sitting in my freezer for 2.5 weeks. This one will join the canon.

Stuffed pork chops (Once a month cookbook)

Ease of assembly: Moderate/Slightly time consuming
Reconsitution: Good
Rating: 4.5

The husband and children LOVED this. I liked it, too. We'll definitely do this again.

Spaghetti (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of Assembly: Moderately Easy
Reconsitution: Very good
Rating: 3.5 It's a spaghetti sauce. Worked like most spaghetti sauces. Will probably make it again.

Taco Soup (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of Assembly: Very Easy
Reconsitution: Very Good
Rating: 4

Marinated steak flank (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of Assembly: Very Easy
Reconsitution: Very Good
Rating: 4

It wasn't bad....we'll probably do it again.

Cranberry Chicken (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of Assembly: Too easy. All you do in the make-ahead part is freeze raw chicken breasts. I don't really count it as a OAMC recipe, because it doesn't save you any work.
Reconstitution: Well...you thaw chicken.... putting it together afterwards was also ridiculously simple.
Rating: 1 Too sweet, too salty...totally not worth the ease of making. No one liked it.

Twelve-Boy Curry (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of Assembly: Very easy
Reconstitution/Rating: Don't know. We're eatng this tonight.

Sweet Soy Chicken (Once a Month Cookbook)

Ease of assembly: Moderately easy
Reconsitution: Good
Rating: 1

It was TERRIBLE. I had a funny sense of foreboding when the recipe called for a cup of honey and a 3/4 cup of soy sauce....and I was right. You cannot pass off salt and sugar as legitimate stand-alone flavorings--at least not with us. We'll never make this again.

Butternut Squash soup (Old favorite from our local paper)

Ease of assembly: Moderate
Reconstitution: Excellent
Rating: 5

This is another family staple. It froze for 2.5 weeks and came back beautifully last night. We'll definitely do it again.

A note on pregnancy. Also, a new novel.

2011-11-04T11:46:00.000-07:00

Hello Third Trimester, old nemesis and friend.

I can't say I've missed you. However, I'd be lying if I said you weren't highly anticipated.

I've felt you coming for weeks. I've felt you in my bones. All the books say you're not here until week 28, but that didn't stop you, did it?

I know your twisted math.

13 weeks+13 weeks+13 weeks=39 weeks. This is longer than Sam stays pregnant. You want to be there for the final third, regardless of what the books say.

So you came a week or so early, just for my benefit, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU?

I can't say I appreciate it.

I will conquer you. I will outlast you. In 6 months, you will be nothing more than a sordid little memory, while I am having the time of my life cuddling the nursling-thirdling and beating my bones back into shape over Couch-to-5k and other such nonsense.

That's right. Gloat while you can. You are pathetically mortal, and your clock is ticking.

sincerely NOT yours,

Samantha

In other news, the new novel is started. It's REALLY fun. I'm totally not going to talk about it, because if I do, I'll give it all away.

All you need to know is....

1) It's NaNoWriMo once again. Although I have absolutely no intention of writing 50,000 words this month, I may finish a draft of this novel.

2) That's because it's a Middle Grade. Yes, a middle grade.

3) It involves copious amounts of garlic. Just like next week's cooking day.

knitwittery, freezery-cookery, and why the husband rocks my socks.

2011-11-02T11:20:00.000-07:00

Knitwittery:

Recently finished projects for cousins expecting in November!

Cousin package 1: Booties, bonnet, bunny. I grabbed one of my friendly neighborhood newborns and tested the bonnet on her head. it fit! The booties will probably take quite some time to grow into. Bunnies, fortunately, are one-size-fits all. The husband insists the bunny looks mildly sinister. I think the pink tail offsets the beady green eyes.

Cousin package 2: Sweater and rose blanket. That rose blanket is one of the biggest things I've knitted, with the exception of the first blessing dress I made last summer. It took FOREVER (partly because I kept taking a break from it to knit other things. But it's done. Done. DONE! :)

(Enlarged to show detail. Twisted cable knits are almost as cool as stranded Scandinavian knitting. Maybe cooler. I don't know.)

I'm currently knitting these for someone for Christmas. I think traditional scandinavian stranded knitting is one of the most addictive things EVER INVENTED. It's best done while watching an Alfred Hitchcock WWII-era movie with the spouse.

Freezery-Cookery:

As you know, I made ten dinners a week ago and froze them. The incredible relief and laziness that has ensued is well nigh indescribable. It's almost as easy as going out to eat every night, minus the angst of "we're shooting the budget/this would be so much cheaper to make at home." Funnily enough, this relief and laziness has gotten me motivated to do it again. I think my mother call this Premack's principle. She applies it to how grandbaby attention and affection can elicit silliness from her.

However, I digress. Today is grocery shopping day. Although I don't have to buy groceries for dinner this week (!), I already drew up the menu cycle for the two weeks following the end of this one.

There are 12 freeze ahead dinners. In no particular order, they are:

1. Mushroom bisque*
2. Fish and rice*
3. Stroganoff
4. Chili
5. Chicken enchiladas
6. Lasagna Primavera*
7. Pizza*
8. Slow Roasted vegetable soup*
9. Tomato and Bean Stoup*
10. Turkey Spanakopita Burgers
11. Boo-Sotto
12. Spinach Soup*

Green=Stolen from the Rachel Ray 365 cookbook that I picked up at a recent book sale. "Stoup" is supposed to be a stew/soup hybrid. I've never made a "stoup," so we'll see how it goes. "Boo-Sotto" is a risotto that she made for her dog, but ended up eating, too. The recipe looked decent. Don't tell my kids it's dog food.
Orange= Something I make up as I go along whenever I cook it.
* = Vegetarian/Pescatarian!

As it turns out, the online freeze-ahead people are almost as numerous and fervent as the online knitting people. It makes for a happy life of free recipes/knitting patterns. :)

So. Once you know what you want to make, then what?

Make another list. The husband accidentally deleted my file and I'm too lazy to type it up again, so you'll have to make do with a photo of the hard copy:

As you may or may not be able to see, I went through each recipe and typed up ingredients by quantity (unless the quantity is small enough or I have enough not to worry about quantity), noting if they were chopped. You'd be surprised, with a lineup of this diversity, how many repeated ingredients there are. I'll use this list to try to catch things on sale over the next 2 weeks of shopping and to prepare things the day before cooking day. I'm highlighting the things I have to make the shopping part of the list clearer. Things with asterisks are perishable to the point where I'm not going to buy them until the day before cooking day, regardless of sales.

It's also cool to have to evaluate (in part) how much of different food groups your family consumes. At least in two weeks this November, we will be light on the meat and heavy on the dairy at dinnertime. Everyone in my house has a major weakness for cheese and milk...

The 8 onions, 25 cloves of garlic, and 14 carrots that need to be chopped make me immeasurably grateful for the food processor and salad shooter that I received at the beginning of my marriage and have used very little in the early, small portion cooking part of my marriage. Thanks, again, you wonderful friend/relative. They were totally worth keeping all these years.

Finally,

WHY THE HUSBAND ROCKS MY SOCKS.

Yesterday, as I was blogging about CROSSED and how I was going to borrow it from you, a package came in the mail from Amazon for the spouse. I assumed it was a book on the history of nuclear energy (he's been reading a lot of those lately) and left it at that.

I was wrong. It was the dystopian YA of the minute.

The husband came home and enlisted the help of the preschooler and toddler in baking a german chocolate cake. We ate the cake after dinner, the husband presented me with the book, and sent me upstairs to read in bed while he cleaned the kitchen and living room. Then he came upstairs and rubbed my pregnant feet.

It's not my birthday...or our anniversary...or anything else. He did it "just because."

I love that man. I'd love him even if he didn't do random incredibly awesome things like that....but my goodness. I don't know how I got so lucky. Being married to him is pretty darn wonderful.

The end.

Thoughts?

Literary post!

2011-11-01T11:31:00.000-07:00

So. Books.

Despite what this blog may imply, my literary life is anything but dead.

With the children, I have been enjoying lots of books, but most notably, Mercer Mayer's brilliant and wordless frog books (Why have I never heard of these before last summer? Oh yeah, because Little Critter sort of overshadows all things Mercer Mayer...):

As well as this brilliant little tome--

BUBBLE BUBBLE. It's hilarious and imaginative and wonderful. What kid doesn't like magic or bubbles?

We've also been falling in love with Author/Illustrator Barbara McClintock. The preschooler, in particular, has developed a firm adoration for this book:

But her others are just as awesome.

In braggy mother news, I am elated to report that the preschooler has read GO, DOG, GO on her own twice. This is truly exciting, not only because it's a major milestone, but because it's opening up a new way for the preschooler to entertain herself without the use of electronic media. With her second brother's arrival approaching*, this couldn't be more timely.

As for author news, I have two things to tell you.

1. I read this darkly heartbreaking and hilarious article on Maurice Sendak. Somehow, all those wild quotes on everything from Jewishness to e-books to the BS of childhood innocence seem perfectly appropriate for someone who wrote the book that enthralled and haunted my childhood....

AND

2.

It's available. You can own it NOW. Why don't you already?**

Oh, YA authors who happen to be Mormon.*** You people make for ridiculously cool book parties and panels and literary fairs. Why do you all live (and throw these parties) in Utah (or the general mountain west)? If I ever join your ranks, I'll totally share the love....unless I'm unable to travel and happen to live in the general mountain west....

The husband and I have also recently read three books together. They're of a rather diverse nature.****

Book 1:

As you may or may not be able to read on the cover, "everyone able to read should read it." It's true, unless you have serious PTSD or something of that nature. It's one of those books that shows humanity's capacity for destruction and resilience, depravity and nobility at the rawest. Read it. It's going on the list of "books my children must read before leaving the nest."

Book 2:

This book was recommended to me by my dear friend Stephanie. I balked at the premise (a wannabe Jane-Austen period piece involving magic and wizards?), but quickly fell in love with this over-the-top pseudo-historical romp. If it took itself seriously, it would be hard to swallow, but the authors had the good sense to just have fun playing with language, history, romance, adventure, and fantasy. If you want lovely, clever, tongue-in-cheek entertainment, this is for you.

But wait! There are sequels! We will be reading them, most definitely.

Book 3:

Another brilliant historical romp--just replace "fantasy" with "autobiography" and you've got it. I've always wondered what it would be like to be not-Mormon at the turn of the century in Utah. I hope most felt like Mr. Fitzgerald. This book has taken up a warm little spot in my heart next to Cheaper By the Dozen in terms of awesome childhood memoir.

We'll be reading the sequels to this one, too.

As for my own writing life....

it has stagnated a little. The sad news reads thus:

1) Barnes and Noble just put up a "Mermaids" section next to their "Vampires" section on the YA shelf, and I have bitterly written all those books off as inferior to mine, since none of them feature cannibals.*****

2)This round of query replies was the sort that either sends an author to 1) the liquor store, or 2) to re-reading the horrific rejection stories of other authors who are now successful.******

3) This pregnant lady is having a hard time physically (sitting and typing at the computer ALL naptime) and mentally (focusing on writing). These days, pain levels are up, energy levels are down.

4)This pregnant lady has found herself experiencing increasing amounts of guilt for her negligence to her own writing and her negligence to her writing group. The guilt actually demotivates instead of otherwise.

However. November is a new month. This month I resolve to:

1) Put querying, publishing, and my ridiculous mermaid novel on time out. It needs to happen.

2) Participate in writing group once this month. (I'm sorry, dear friends, but weekly really is too much at the moment).

3) Start a new novel.

The End.

Thoughts?

*90-something more days! Yes, the countdown has begun.

**I told the husband that I could wait till Christmas. He rolled his eyes and pointed out that I will have already borrowed it from a friend by then. Ergo, either you own it and have already read it and will lend it soon, or the husband will buy it "for me" and read it himself. Don't worry. I'll get to read it too. I'm at home during the day and he's not. :)

***I'm looking at you James Dashner, Allyson Condie, Shannon Hale, Aprillynne Pike, Brandon Mull, etc., etc., etc.

****This is what happens when the husband is FREE AT LAST from graduate school. We have evenings of wild partying--which is to say, I knit and we enjoy a read aloud or a movie.

*****Dear fellow YA mermaid authors, you must know I will repent and read your books soon. I'm wildly curious to see what you are doing with "my" subgenre. And I promise not to be bitter about it, either. ;)

****** I chose the latter option. I find it very, very comforting that Donna Jo Napoli endured 14 years of rejection before becoming the Author she is today.

Crazy Lady Cooking, Part II

2011-10-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

It is done. Mostly.

The dishwasher needs to be relieved of its 2nd load of dishes (today!) and loaded again. The counters need to be wiped down and disinfected. I'm not even going to talk about the floor, because with my pregnant lady bones being what they are, the husband has talked me into relinquishing all floor responsibilities to him. Beloved, when you get home, it's all yours.

I let the children tear the rest of the house apart while I cooked for 2 hours this morning (The loinfruits somehow got it into their heads that 6 am was a reasonable hour to start the day). We left to visit the chiropractor/babysitter, and regrouped in the late morning. Miraculously, a bribe of Shaun the Sheep motivated the two of them to clean up the living room (in small assignments dictated by yours truly) and I finished up the cooking.

The plan (like EVERY plan or book I make) underwent editing in the process.

Ergo, the menu now reads thus:

10-28 Baked Jambalaya
10-29 Social function involving food, No cook! :)
10-30-~~Black bean soup (already made and frozen!)~~ London Broil
10-31 Stuffed pork chops
11-1 Spaghetti
11-2 Taco Soup
11-3 Marinated steak flank
11-4 ~~Cranberry Chicken~~ Black bean soup (already made and frozen!)
11-5 Twelve-Boy Curry
11-6 Sweet Soy Chicken
11-7 ~~Chili Hamburgers~~ Fish and Rice
11-8 Barbecue Chicken
11-9 Squash soup (Already made and frozen!)
11-10- Leftovers

The highlighted stuff is not languishing in my freezer for the following reasons:

1. The half-price london broil I bought yesterday was never-been-frozen-fresh. It seemed a pity to freeze it, so we might as well cook it ASAP.

2. The Cranberry Chicken is happening tonight because it looks really good and ridiculously simple.

3. The fish and rice can't really be pre-made. I didn't buy enough ground beef to make chili hamburgers. In case you haven't noticed, these cook-once-a-month people are REALLY heavy on the meat. The expectation is that your average 4-serving family consumes about 16-20 pounds of meat every 14 days. The thought makes my spleen hurt. So, instead of worrying about not having enough meat, I'm busting out an old pescatarian family favorite.

4. Barbecue chicken is just as simple to make the day of as to make ahead.

An unexpected bonus: it's pretty.

There is something about lining up 10 dinners all together that amplifies the sleeping-kittens-in-a-basket sentiment.

See?

(Spaghetti sauce, marinated flank steak, jambalaya, and 2 bags of taco soup).

12-boy curry, stuffed pork chops, sweet soy chicken, and beef goulash. The pork chops are going to be "flash frozen" before I package them up . Also, they're stuffed with mushrooms and cheese. It gives me a happy (shamelessly gentile) heart attack just thinking about it.

And this is it! 10 dinners (minus the flash-freezing pork), all nestled happily at the bottom of my freezer. If I start feeling ambitious, I might put some flash-frozen balls of cookie dough down there, too.

Thoughts?

P.S.-The next post will be literary, promise! Plenty has been happening in that arena...and we need to talk about it.

Once a month cooking, or, crazy lady cooking

2011-10-26T14:28:00.000-07:00

So. The other day, I made the mistake of looking through the clearance section of a bookstore. As you well may know, this is a very dangerous sort of activity.

I left the store with this book.

Dangerous stuff indeed. Now, dear friends, once-a-month doesn't necessarily mean once-a-month. I picked out a 2 week cycle, swapped out/modified a few days for freezable vegetarian recipes*, made a list, and went shopping. Serendipitously, I already had plenty of the ingredients, and most others were on sale. It was good times.

The idea of the book runs thus:

1)Pick a menu (the book has 3 fourteen-day cycles and 2 thirty-day cycles to get you started).

2) Make a list (or use the provided list, should you be working out of the book).

3) Buy ingredients for all 14 or 30 days of dinner.

4) Block off 1 day to cook. The book says to budget 5 hours of cooking for a 14 day cycle or 9 hours of cooking for a 30 day cycle. As a pregnant woman whose energy levels are unpredictable, this makes a lot of sense for me. I can invest a day of insanity against the prospect of future dinners awaiting little more than boiling noodles and stuff thawing in the microwave. The idea of not only not having to worry about WHAT to make**, but to have most of it already made and waiting for me in the freezer makes me feel like a happy little basket of sleeping kittens.

So I did it. Or, at least, everything to step 3. Tomorrow is cooking day. I cheated and made a double batch of squash soup earlier this week and froze half of it, as well as black bean soup. If all goes well, our fourteen days will go like this, not counting vegetable sides and the occasional potato/noodle/other carb:

10-28 Baked Jambalaya
10-29 Social function involving food, No cook! :)
10-30-Black bean soup (already made and frozen!)
10-31 Stuffed pork chops
11-1 Spaghetti
11-2 Taco Soup
11-3 Marinated steak flank
11-4 Cranberry Chicken
11-5 Twelve-Boy Curry
11-6 Sweet Soy Chicken
11-7 Chili Hamburgers
11-8 Barbecue Chicken
11-9 Squash soup (Already made and frozen!)
11-10- Leftovers

I also cheated and started some of the prep today while a friend came over to talk. We sat at the kitchen table and I cut up:

5 onions
1/2 pound of kielbasa
1/2 pound of ham
2 bell peppers
3 carrots
1 bunch of green onions
1.5 cups of celery.

It seemed like a lot more food before it was cut up. It's funny how these things work. Also, as regards onions, I am SO in love with my Salad Shooter. I regretfully do not remember who gave it to me at my bridal shower nearly 6 years ago, but THANK YOU, whoever you are. It has saved me hours of tears.

I have a fantasy of tomorrow going like one of those cooking shows where it takes the chef 5 minutes to make a 15-20 minute recipe because everything is pre-cut. If only...

We'll see how it goes. I do not relish the idea of handling all the meat involved, but I do love the thought of knocking it all out in one go.

Thoughts?

*Yes, yes. I'm one of those radical, unreasonable people who doesn't think meat is necessary at every dinner. Thus, we eat vegetarian at least once a week.

**My life is disproportionately less stressful on weeks I have a menu and have grocery shopped accordingly.

Slaying Insecurity Beasts

2011-10-24T11:44:00.000-07:00

My name is Sam and I am not as closeted as I should be when it comes to homeschooling.

I have written this post several times and thrown it out. Why? Because the topic of homeschooling is riddled with beasts. Most of them spring from insecurity, but many of them are deeper rooted in social prejudice.

Insecurity Beasts Include:

1. If you don't think public school is good enough for your kid, you must think I'm inferior for sending my kid.

(Related)-- You say you like spending the extra time with the kid/would miss them if they went to school, so you must think I don't love my children as much as you love yours because I enjoy the break.

First of all, presuming what another person thinks about you is never a good idea. Comparing yourself to someone else isn't fair to you and it's not fair to the other person. The conclusions drawn from such comparison are most likely horribly inaccurate.

Secondly, I don't think these things and I doubt most homeschoolers do. There are a million different reasons to homeschool, but I've never heard "so I can feel like a superior parent" listed among them. Believe it or not, your children and mine are different. What might be just fine (or better) for your kid might not work for mine. What might be best for you might be a nightmare for me. There are plenty of people who can't homeschool because they have to work. If you hate the very idea of homeschooling, you probably shouldn't. Attitude is such a massive catalyst, and as you may know from my last post, I think it's pure folly to do things for your children that grate on your own aesthetic sensibilities. I strongly suspect a kid would be better off with a gung-ho, supportive, homework-nazi public school parent than a begrudging, unwilling homeschooling parent.

So. If you're ready to lay aside this insecurity beast, I will tell you that the biggest reason I'm considering homeschooling is that I just don't like the idea of sending my little girl away for 35 hours a week.

Does this mean I have a problem with you doing it? No.
Does it mean I think you don't love your children as much because they attend kindergarten? No.

If you believe me, I congratulate and admire you for being secure with yourself and not-judgey with me.

2. How dare you presume you can do as good a job educating children when you don't have a degree or license to do so?

Teachers have degrees for a reason. I wouldn't feel comfortable being responsible for the well being and literacy levels of 20+ grade schoolers right now. I don't have the training. However, on a smaller scale, I have been an educator for four years. I taught my daughter to sleep through the night,to drink from a cup, to use the toilet, to say please and thank you, to share, to set the table and clear the table, to make her bed and clean her room, and, most recently, to read. How many parents have toilet trained another person before becoming parents? How many parents have been responsible for another person's behavior and development before becoming parents? Precious few.

We learn as we go. We learn how to learn and we learn how to teach. It's the crux of motherhood and fatherhood. As soon as one trial, "phase," or skill set is weathered and accomplished, another springs up. We have to learn about it and we have to learn how to teach correct behavior. The main activity of my last four years of motherhood has been learning how to teach. If it wasn't, I'd be a miserable person. I was blessed with a husband who entered this stage of life with me with a willing heart and no pretenses about being "ready to have kids." He and I both felt we wouldn't ever be ready for children--that we wouldn't ever be omniscient, omnipotent, perfect parents, and that shouldn't stop us from embarking on the endeavor with full, enthusiastic, and open hearts and minds.

It's a roundabout way of putting it, but what I'm saying is that homeschooling is like any other part of being a mom or dad. We are (by virtue of parenthood) our children's primary educators whether or not they attend school. No, I've never taught a kid how to read, but that doesn't mean I can't learn as I go. And I have. It has taken the preschooler 2 months to go from having a basic grasp of letters and sounds to reading at a first grade level. What training did I receive to do this? None, unless you count reading this book:

If my son doesn't take to this book like my daughter did, it's not a problem. I'll just learn a new way to teach. It's a happy continuum. I feel fairly confident that I could raise twelve children to adulthood and still not know all there is to know about raising and teaching children. That's fine--the beautiful thing about existing is that you CAN continue learning. Arrogance (or "I'm-the-mommy-so-I know-everything" syndrome) is wretchedly debilitating. Arrogance is not the name of the game. Confidence is. I am confident in my ability to learn how to teach my children, not arrogant in my presumption that I already know how to do it better than a licensed teacher.

So. Do I think I'm superior or inferior to a licensed, certified teacher? Neither. Comparisons are silly, remember? Teachers do a needed job for hundreds of children. I do a similar job for a few children. Teachers do not have the wherewithal to actually parent 20+ children and parents (at least me) are not necessarily up to the task of bringing 20+ children through all the academic benchmarks of one school year. But we can both teach. So let's be friends, shall we?

My mother didn't have a college degree when she homeschooled me, but she made it incredibly fun. When I was put back in school, I was academically ahead. Today, as a public school teacher, she is enormously confident that I (unlicensed and all) can do the same. Through her formal teacher's training and in her work with other teachers, she said she has discovered that many teachers are 1) surprisingly ignorant when it comes to homeschooling and 2) somewhat threatened by homeschoolers. "So I can be threatening" is also a reason I have never seen when reading/listening to the reasons people homeschool.

3. Homeschooled children wear homemade clothes. They are brainlessly, dogmatically religious, socially backward people.

Some do. Some are. Those things, however, are easily avoided. By virtue of the fact that I can't sew well and am slightly afraid of sewing machines, my children are in little danger of wearing homemade clothes. Many homeschoolers will actually tell you that they homeschool because they want to encourage free thinking and are worried about their children getting caught up in social preconceptions and expectations in public schools. Also, socializing is not a problem. As a homeschooled child, I played on a private school soccer team, participated in public school youth drama and children's Methodist choir groups, and played with the kids in my neighborhood. Life was very, very social.

Now, as a mother weighing the consequences of future decisions, I strongly suspect that one big repercussion of homeschooling would be an adult one. I have three friends in my town who are closet homeschool junkies. One is homeschooling two of her four children and the other two have children too young to be in school (and can therefore stay closeted a while longer). We enjoy homeschool discussions, but I have found that they were hesitant to discuss it before they knew my feelings and shy about mentioning it in mixed company (read: any social setting where more than the two of us may become involved in the discussion). This is because they know as well as I how easily the aforementioned insecurity beasts can be roused. If the preschooler is still at home full time in ten months, I will incur upon myself raised eyebrows, spoken and unspoken negative judgments, and uncomfortable waves from arousing the insecurity beasts of parents and educators who feel compelled to compare. That being said, most people have to deal with other people's insecurities and preconceptions, so I might as well step in front of the oncoming judgement tsunami, tighten my nonexistent pregnant abs, and take it like a ~~man~~ homeschooling mother.

Thoughts?

In defense of the selfish mother

2011-10-18T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am a selfish mother.

And I don't really feel repentant about my selfishness.

Here's how this maternal selfishness manifests itself: I refuse (for the most part) to participate in or indulge my children in anything that is obnoxious to me.

My selfishness means that I don't participate in or consume stuff that grates on my aesthetic sensibilities. These things (with few exceptions) include:

teletubbies, barney, barbie, backyardigans, battery-operated toys, most toys that make noise or have moving parts or flashing lights, children's books or toys or clothing based on fluorescent, big-eyed cartoonish characters, "kids'" foods (lunchables, belly washers, etc), most "kids'" music, most "kids'" movies, most "kids'" restaurants (I'm looking at you, Chuck E. Cheese) and, most especially, MOST "kids'" television.

In their place, I consume and do things that I can not only endorse, but enjoy WITH the children, such as:

Wallace and Gromit, violin lessons, lincoln logs, wood blocks, reading lessons, mommy-taught preschool groups, certain "kids" movies, certain Disney soundtracks, fruit, steamed edamame, GOOD children's books (read: Maurice Sendak, Bill Peet, P. D. Eastman, Roald Dahl, C. S. Lewis, etc.), and, surprisingly in the realm of Children's Television: Pingu and Shaun the Sheep.

I strongly feel that if I enjoy the things my children consume, the act of reading/eating/watching/playing takes on a level of intimacy and interactivity that it couldn't otherwise have, even if I was trying to fake interest.

Before I had children, I made certain judgments about seemingly idiosyncratic parental behaviors, only to learn that there were good reasons for those behaviors later on. This question, however, sticks with me in my childbearing years and rears up every time I hear a parent complaining about having to listen to another episode of (inane children's show):

If you hate (inane children's show), why is it on in your house?

I firmly believe that being a parent is about sacrifice. It's about putting aside your own interests and desires in favor of your children. I happily put aside my interests and desires for sleep, personal physical comfort, writing time, financial wiggle-room, education, and career development on behalf of my children.

However, I refuse to stagnate my own aesthetic pleasure of life because I feel social or commercial pressure to throw a THEMED birthday party or present my children with the hottest-new-whatever-it-is. I've had people tell me that I have no business feeding them "grown up food" like hummus, fresh sweet peppers, pita, or lamb-- as if goldfish and animal crackers and chocolate milk were the only acceptable foods for infantile stomachs. To these people I say: I have no business hogging all the good stuff for myself and limiting my children to modified corn starch and artificialandnaturalflavoring. I have no business setting my children up for narrow mindedness and chastising them later when all they want is processed carbs.

I have every intention of growing more flexible as my children grow more independent and broad minded, but for now, I still have the primary say when it comes to defining what's cool to them. I'm not going to let some corporation or even some mother's group do that defining for me. My children are sure as the dickens not going to force Barney (or whatever his latest incarnation is) upon me simply by BEING a toddler and preschooler. Insofar as I can set the tone for what is cool and expected in my house, I will do it. Pixar, Disney, PBS, and Nickelodeon can all go boil their fat collective head. As for all my dear fellow moms...I promise I'm not judging you too harshly. If/when you complain, I assume you secretly like it... I assume it's one of those endearing trials of motherhood to you. To me...it would be a real trial.

It's not that my preschooler hasn't fallen in love with Disney Princesses or Dora the Explorer or Chuck E. Cheese (indeed, she loves all),it's just that she manages to amass plenty of their merchandise and consume plenty of their media without help from me--friends and relatives do a fine job of it. She has attended and fallen in love with the neon magic of that diabolical "pizzeria." I don't feel like I need to push something or pay for something that (while perfectly benign in nature) would become devastatingly annoying to me in short order.

The toddler and preschooler have plenty of room for personal preference and expression* and they exercise this room to a very full extent. When they are older children with broader, maturing minds and a greater capacity for critical thinking and personal discernment, I imagine that they will have a much greater hand in introducing things to our household and broadening my horizons. In the meantime, I will cherish my veto and use it every time a fluorescent, seizure-inducing child's product is thrust in my face and tries to worm its way into my bank account and home.

Thoughts?

*indeed, the Preschooler has nearly free reign over her daily apparel. I only veto when she has been wearing the same "favorite" outfit for over 2 days and is starting to smell grubby.

Politics, religion, childhood trauma, and everything else I thought I'd NEVER blog about.

2011-10-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

So, this was meant to be a writing blog....

And a mermaid blog....

and what I'm writing about today has nothing to do with mermaids or writing.

It has to do with something I've had to put up with since the fourth grade.

On my first day of Catholic School, my teacher asked that everyone who was not Catholic stand up and tell the class what religion they were.

I think there were four of us that stood up.

First Boy (Danny): My Dad's Catholic, but my Mom's Jewish, and I kind of do both.

Second Boy: I'm an episcopalian.

Girl: I'm Baptist.

Me: I'm a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I'm a Mormon.

The teacher didn't bat an eye at the first three kids. When I explained myself, her eyebrows rose. "Which kind?" she asked.

"Huh?" I replied. I wasn't aware that there was more than one kind of Mormon.

"Which kind of Mormon? Are you a regular Mormon or a Fundamentalist Mormon?"

I shrugged, and, feeling somehow stupid, told her I was the only kind of Mormon there is. She let it go.

That was pretty much the extent of the fourth grade encounter. Those of us who weren't Catholic had to stand at the front of the line when we went to mass and sit in a pew all to ourselves to help separate us so we wouldn't accidentally (or on purpose) take communion. I am (and was) totally fine with this. I'm not Catholic, I don't take communion. That's not a problem. We went to mass twice a week. Like my regular Sunday (Mormon) church services as a child, mass was a mixture of boredom and spiritual edification, depending on the week and my mood and willingness to pay attention.

In the fifth grade, we got a separate religion teacher. Among other things, we had a section covering "other religions"--which is to say, religions other than Catholicism.* When we got to learning about Mormonism, my teacher explained two things of which I was not aware:

1. That Mormons practice polygamy,

and

2. That we're not actually Christian.

I tried feebly to argue against this, pointing out that I belonged to the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and that the Book of Mormon was another testament of Jesus Christ. I didn't know anyone who had more than one wife, and up until that class, I didn't even know what polygamy WAS. It didn't go over very well at all. I went home in tears. I'd been raised as a Latter-Day Saint my whole life, and had been taught to love Jesus Christ as my Savior. It baffled me that someone who was not a Mormon could tell me with such confidence that my faith was not legitimate.

Today, I know all about polygamy...and, just as when I was a child, it has no part in the practice of my faith. I still have never met a polygamist, or anyone looking for another wife, and my husband sure as heck doesn't have anyone other than me. Also, just as when I was a child, I love Jesus Christ as my Savior and consider myself a Christian.

Just as when I was a child, there are still people who are telling me that the most precious and profound beliefs of my heart are not legitimate.

Which is to say, I saw Robert Jeffress' delightful CNN interview this morning. It brought back the same feelings of bewilderment and exasperation that I have experienced many, many times between my Catholic school days and now.

This poor man must have some sort of reading comprehension problem that impairs his understanding of my Church's title:

See the font? They made the most important part of my church's title the biggest part of the sign.

It's on purpose.

Joseph Smith, the first modern prophet** of my faith, wrote the thirteen articles of faith, to summarize for people the basic tenets of our belief system, starting with the most important.

My four-year-old knows the first article of faith by heart:

"We believe in God, the Eternal Father, and in His Son, Jesus Christ, and in the Holy Ghost."

She can also tell you the third article of faith:

"We believe that through the Atonment of Christ, all mankind may be saved by obedience to the laws and ordinances of the gospel."

Sums it up pretty well....

Jim Acosta pointed this out to Reverend Jeffress. The dear Reverend replied,

"A lot of people say they're Christians, and they're not, but they do not embrace historical Christianity."

Well? Do you? The fact that you are a protestant means that somewhere along the line you've got beef with the Roman Catholic Church....they've had the corner on the Christian market for over a thousand years before you.***

Oh, Reverend. You should have read our Articles of Faith before swinging your foot into your mouth.

My daughter does not yet know the sixth article of faith, but I do: "We believe in the same organization that existed in the Primitive Church, namely apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists and so forth."

We embrace The Church, as it stood in New Testament times, in Old Testament times, and at the beginning of time. If you listen to any session of General Conference (the semi-annual meeting in which the leaders of my church speak), you will hear prophets and apostles quoting and endorsing statements from Christians as diverse as C.S. Lewis and Mother Theresa, Martin Luther and Saint Thomas Aquinas. The most well-read lovers of Christian history that I know are Latter-Day Saints.

Testimony of Jesus Christ is beautiful in every age. As a Latter-Day Saint, I am happy to stand in solidarity with any Christian, Hindu, Muslim, Jew, etc., who respects my personal and sacred faith as I respect theirs. There is something about people believing in objective, higher truth and striving to live up to that belief that makes me warm and fuzzy and full of goodwill.

There is something about being told that I (and 14 million others like me) don't know what we are that makes me feel sorry for you. It also puts me in awe of the boundlessness of human arrogance.

If it isn't a reading comprehension problem, then here, for your reading enjoyment, is a verse from the Book of Mormon (2 Nephi, 25: 23)

23 For we labor diligently to write, to ^apersuade our children, and also our brethren, to believe in Christ, and to be reconciled to God; for we know that it is by ^bgrace that we are saved, after all we can^cdo.

And later on in the same chapter:

25 For, for this end was the ^alaw given; wherefore the law hath become ^bdead unto us, and we are made alive in Christ because of our faith; yet we keep the law because of the commandments.

26 And we ^atalk of Christ, we rejoice in Christ, we preach of Christ, we ^bprophesy of Christ, and we write according to our prophecies, that our ^cchildren may know to what source they may look for a ^dremission of their sins.

If it is a reading comprehension problem, here is a hymn, written by a Latter Day Saint (Mormon) apostle, as performed by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, complete with scenes from the New Testament.

Perhaps the state of my faith and spirituality is a complicated theological question that has everything to do with man made theological definitions and nothing to do with the beliefs and intents of my heart and the actions of my life...but I really don't think so.

Okay. I'm done now. Next time I blog, we will be back to our regularly scheduled rants on YA novels, publishing, mommying, and food storage. Probably.

P.S.-Dear Reverend, learn to pronounce "Moroni."

*I hope this story doesn't come across snarly towards Catholicism. Some of my favorite immediate family members and favorite historical figures are Catholic. I have a deep respect and love for the Catholic Church. I am also working on cultivating this same feeling towards Protestantism, but must first overcome the fact that 1) my Catholic education left me feeling like most Protestant Churches are the redheaded stepchildren of the Catholic Church, and 2) Anti-Mormon vitriol from certain affiliates makes it preferable to love them from a distance...it's harder when I'm close enough to see them waving "Mormons are the Devil" signs. I'll get there, though....eventually.

**Reverend Jeffress said that Joseph Smith founded my church. It would be much more accurate to say he restored it. Christ founded it, and Christ leads it. It's the same organization as existed in the primitive church--complete with apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers, evangelists and so forth (remember the sixth article of faith?). Just to clarify.

***Sorry. It's the "redheaded stepchildren of the Catholic Church" mentality coming out...

Gastronomical Confessions and Corporal/Social Peeves

2011-09-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

Forgive me, children. I have sinned against your sweet little metabolisms.

Every few weeks, if I am in a good mood, under budget, and the children have been exceptionally well behaved*, I buy them and myself each a .50 pastry at our little discount grocery store. Last Wednesday, we had one of those days. (Shhh...don't tell the preschooler--she was at her preschool group at the time). I bought the toddler and myself a pastry. When we were in the checkout line, I read the nutrition facts of said cheap pastry.

560 calories. 350 calories from fat.

I nearly had a heart attack reading that.

I try to be a fairly nutritionally informed individual. Fruit and vegetables are a mainstay for us. We go meatless 1-3 times a week**. We eat lots of fish. We eat relatively little processed food and my husband is a vitamin Nazi, especially when I'm pregnant. When facing adverse health conditions, food is usually one of the first things we look at***.

All that being said, I had never thought to look at the nutrition facts of this little once-in-a-while pastry. And now that I have, I will never again buy one in good conscience. I may never buy one again, period.

As I am prone to do, I began to discuss this with my toddler who was sitting in the front of the cart. "Toddler," says I, "Mommy has been abusing your little system. One of these has more caloric fatty junk than anyone should consume in 4 ounces of food. This is how obese talk show babies are made. Mommy's never going to eat this again, and she probably won't buy one for you again, either. 560 calories in a measly 4 ounces of food! Do you know how many pounds of cucumber you'd need to eat to reach 560 calories?"

At this, my cashier looks up at me with raised eyebrows and says, "Oh honey, he can afford it. He's just a little boy and it won't effect him one bit. He has so much energy! And you--you can afford it too-you're slender and young. You don't need to be worrying about this. Me, one the other hand, I gotta watch myself because I need to lose weight and I don't want another heart attack."

In a few brief sentences, my dear cashier (with whom I converse every time I check out) hit upon nearly every major belief that bothers me:

1. That kids will be kids and as long as they're eating, it doesn't matter what they eat. (Similarly, that if you're pregnant it doesn't matter what you eat because if you want to eat 700 calories of ice cream in a sitting it's a sign that the baby needs it).

2. That I shouldn't bother with diet/exercise because I'm not overweight.

3. That the best way to make people feel good/be reasonable is to compare bodies.

A face-palm happened, but only mentally.

Outside, I smiled, nodded, and pointed out that if my son ate two of these, he'd have way more fat in his system than he needed, and it wasn't even the sort of fat he needed--it was the sort of fat that causes heart attacks, not the sort of fat that helps grow his brain. She agreed with me and we amiably finished checking out and went on with our lives.

So here's the rant on these three topics:

1. Children are impressionable. Parents make powerful impressions.

That doesn't mean children don't come prepackaged with their own tastes and opinions and levels of stubbornness, as well as an evolutionary propensity to enjoy salt, sugar, and fat.
It also doesn't mean that adult people with adult knowledge and adult behavior can't have an influence on their diets.

The husband and I make a serious point of not judging anyone else's parental feeding habits because we are the parents of our kids and no one else's. We don't know how much of our success with our children is nature and how much of it is nurture. What we do know is that is has taken hours of stubbornness, persuasion, manipulation****, and bribery to make our children as broad minded about food as they currently are. There are no vetoed foods in our house. Everything is eaten at every meal--they can control the quantity, but we control the diversity--and we believe in diverse diets. Yours truly gets bored easily when it comes to culinary matters. They still go through periodic stages (the preschooler is starting another one) of That's-not-my-favorite-I-won't-eat-it-ness, but we (especially the husband) are as stubborn as four-year-olds. And the four year old does not get away with refusing food. That being said, it could be that we just got lucky when it came to pickiness levels in the children born to us.

I do not blame extreme childhood obesity, constipation, or any other gastronomical ailment on childhood pickiness. Children do not control what foods they are exposed to or what foods the caregivers buy. The adults expose them to food and the adults buy the food and the adults model attitudes about food. That's the extent of that opinion/rant. I hope it's not too judgmental.

2. I MUST bother with diet. I can't wait until it's a 50 pound battle. Between the current me and the 50-pounds-overweight me lies months or years of really wretched quality of life.

When I don't exercise or eat right, I feel it. I feel it intellectually, emotionally, and physically. I can't think as clearly, I'm not as happy, and I don't have energy. I don't feel attractive. What I eat and how much I exercise are the two biggest influences on my body image. Once, failing to take care of myself made my thyroid act up and I found myself spending my evenings vomiting. I lost weight regardless of my diet. My doctor wanted me on steroids (see note below) and I refused, opting to start running and stop eating thyroid inhibitors like spinach (which really is a sacrifice, because I really, really LOVE fresh baby spinach). Once I started running, my weight loss stopped and I started to gain weight (this is a good thing when the BMI is low and you're nursing full time). A lady neighbor stopped me a few weeks later and said, "girl, you the runningest thing I've ever seen. You so skinny, you don't need to do that--" she took a hold of her generous hip, "I need to." I shook my head, telling her that I needed it too, and she made a comment about watching out for eating disorders. I didn't tell her I was doing it so I could maintain a healthy (higher) weight because I wasn't sure she'd believe me.

I don't know if I'd choose fat and happy if it were an option. But it's not. Exercise is synonymous to health and happiness--which makes the next few months of placenta previa/super-loose joints difficult, but doable. Baby boy, you'd better watch out--six weeks postpartum, you are going to get very, very acquainted with the jog stroller, just like your sister and brother before you.

3. My neighbor lady (and the cashier lady) bring me to my third point. DON'T. COMPARE. YOUR. BODY. Don't compare your body to mine. Don't compare your body to ANYONE'S. Your body is YOURS. You want to know a secret? Comparing your body unfavorably to mine doesn't make me feel good. It makes me feel uncomfortable and self-conscious and sometimes vain in an icky way. Your children aren't mine, your body is not mine, your life is not mine. All I have is my experience, and all you have is yours. Own it. For goodness' sake, if it's all you have, LOVE IT. Make it YOURS. According to my faith, our bodies are divinely made. They are beautiful and sacred and remarkable in the millions of processes they accomplish every day without our even being aware. Love your body. If you don't love it, run it. Swim it. Bike it. Feed it good things and lots and lots of water. In my experience, that works much better than new clothes or makeup. And no more comparing...please?

Rant over. I'm stepping down from the soapbox now.

*These three things happening simultaneously are nearly as rare as eclipses, planetary alignment, and honest politicians.

**Though admittedly less during this food storage month. I didn't realize how meat-heavy our storage was, or how strongly I prefer fresh vegetables to canned/frozen...

***And the last thing our doctors look at. It's worrisome how very little most doctors seem to know/care about nutrition. There's a pill that can fix that slightly low thyroid level. No, you don't have any other options, yes, you will be on it for the rest of your life. What? Cut thyroid inhibitors from your diet and eat more thyroid-friendly foods? Exercise to help it? Next you'll be telling me you want to breastfeed. (In case you were wondering, I'm not on my prescription steroids and my thyroid is fine now. My doctor was still bitter about it a year later.)

****My new favorite tactic is to take their plates and explain that since they're not going to eat their awesome food, I AM...or, I will loudly and elaborately prepare to feed the non-eating child's food to the eating child. Nothing revs an appetite like covetousness.

*****Side Story: The night after my .50 pastry discovery, I read/added up the calories of all the ingredients in the sauce I made for for a 9x13 chicken/veg/rice casserole. Ingredients included cheese and milk and "cream of" soup. There were fewer calories and proportionately less fat in the entire decadent sauce for that dish than in that one pathetic 4 ounce pastry that didn't even satisfy a mild snacktime hunger. My whole family ate 1/4 of the casserole and was satisfied. Something to ponder....

Food Storage Escapade Part the Fifth: The plan-ruining husband rocks my world.

2011-09-21T11:46:00.000-07:00

Days in: 20
Days in which dinner was made according to plan: 15.5
Excuses this week: baby drama, culinary mishap, date night
Budget consumed versus left: $130 versus $70--I should have set the bar lower than $200....this has been too easy. I've made a lot of less-than-necessary grocery splurges and still come in under budget. Also, now I'm tempted to spend the whole remainder next week. I have the added temptation that the husband's birthday is the following Saturday, the first day of the NON-food storage October and I usually go all out int the culinary arena on this occasion. Yup. It's gonna happen.

This week in dinner:

9/15- Chicken noodle soup- SUCCESS!

9/16-Salmon Crepes, followed by Crepes Suzette- FAIL-Husband took me out on a hot date to satisfy cravings for hibachi and black licorice. It was an awesome fail.

9/17- Shrimp, spinach, and cheese orzo Success! The rest of the family liked it better than I did, though.

9/18- Lentil Soup- Half Credit-I made it, but the lentils didn't soften after 9 hours of cooking...so the husband made eggs, hash browns, sausage, and applesauce for dinner. It was really, really good.

9/19- Turkey Burgers- SUCCESS-We made that spaghetti dinner on this night- :)

9/20- That Spaghetti dinner we STILL have yet to make-FAIL. It was on this day that we learned that this baby has a placenta previa. As much as I feel amenable to adversity, that doesn't change the fact that I was left somewhat bummed out--we were pretty psyched up to try our first non-hospitalized, drug free waterbirth. The husband hugged me and listened to me moan about it and then bought us pizza. It ended up being a good night.

What can be concluded from this week in food storage? My husband is ridiculously wonderful. He's also usually to blame for deviation from plan. I love him for both attributes.

Plans for next week?

9/21:Turkey Burgers

9/22:Rice and Beans, frozen vegetables

9/23:Pot Roast, Mashed potatoes, and tomato cucumber salad

9/24: Poached Chicken with root vegetables and five minute bread

9/25:Crock Pot Fiesta chicken with rice and beans

9/26:Fish and rice and salad

9/27:Sour cream enchiladas

What can be concluded from this? I inherited the contents of my moving friend's fridge and freezer the other week, so we are eating perishables that don't figure into our grocery budget. Also, I got a coupon for 50% off at whole foods and spent it on produce and a few granola making supplies (cranberries, almonds, soy nuts). Getting organic produce for cheaper than regular produce ALMOST feels like cheating. Buying non-perishables definitely feels like cheating. All the same, I can't say I regret either decision.

Making yogurt, bread, and granola (in my self-imposed rule book) is anti-cheating*--and I've been doing that all month. We are officially weaned from store bought cold cereal...although I have every intention of seriously hitting up the next big cereal coupon sale post-September.

In related news, the freezer is getting MUCH closer to empty. We're starting to freeze containers of water in there to keep the energy efficiency up. We made much more headway into our frozen meat and vegetable supply than I thought we would. This is good to know for future reference.

Oh yes, and in that same fateful ultrasound, we learned we are having another boy. The toddler, the Daddy, and I are ecstatic. The preschooler, who has been REALLY wanting a little sister, is still getting used to the idea of ANOTHER BROTHER. It's a momentous occasion. For the first time ever, the boys in our household will outnumber the girls.

Thoughts?

P.S.- Scenes from the household this week:

Preschooler: But mommy, if you make me take a nap, I will cry and be grumpy at you.**

Me: I'm sorry, preschooler, but Mommy does not negotiate with terrorists.

Preschooler: *Stomps off to room. Is asleep 5 minutes later.*

Husband (upon seeing the toddler pick up the preschooler's favorite stuffed animal): Toddler, picking up Mickey is like occupying Palestine. It's not how you make peace.

Our poor children. Their parents need to stop reading the news.

*Do you suppose this negates the cheating?

**Words cannot express what a boon it is to my writing career and sanity that both children still physiologically require naps every day.

confession

2011-09-19T13:05:00.000-07:00

I am behind on everything (I'm so sorry, beloved writing group!) because I have been swept up into the seductive draw of query letters. I forgot how addictive it is. I have queried a shameless number of literary agents in the last few days and only two of them have said no...of course, only two of them have replied thus far.

I need to catch up on everything else. I need to be a responsible adult and actually write a synopsis. Help me be strong.

Food Storage Escapade, Part the Fourth: Home Economics vs. Obesity, Debt, and Depression. Who knew?

2011-09-15T12:04:00.000-07:00

Stats on our cook our of food storage month:

Days in: 14

Days in which dinner was made more or less according to plan: 11

Excuses: Labor Day party, husband and son bought dinner, dinner invitation to friend's house. All happy occasions.

Grocery bill thus far: $85 (I've set a goal of 200 or less for the month).

9/7 -Turkey shepherd's pie and lemon meringue pie- Success! Even though we ran out of shortening and time, therefore having to make Jell-O with Mandarin oranges instead of pie. I still count it as a success.

9/8- Tuna Casserole and squash- Yes! The leftovers were good, too.

9/8-Pesto Pizza (pesto from garden)- Didn't happen--my dear friend invited my family to dinner after I'd spent all day at her house doing laundry (our washer is broken). Because she is an incredible cook, this was the Best. Calamity. Ever.

9/10- That spaghetti dinner we have yet to make-I count it as a success because we had pesto pizza this day. :)

9/11-Crock pot pulled pork, frozen vegetables, 5 minute bread-Success! But we ended up making roast pork, mashed potatoes, and frozen vegetables. It was a happy thing.

9/12- Black bean soup, bread, frozen vegetables-Success! I made Tortilla soup instead, though, because my avocados were going....

9/13-Green Chile Chicken Casserole, canned vegetables-Success!

9/14-Black Bean Soup, salad, and 5 minute bread-Success!

Future plans?

9/15- Chicken noodle soup (The husband has a sore throat and this is his comfort food...)

9/16-Salmon Crepes, followed by Crepes Suzette (Yes, you can do this with food storage, it turns out)

9/17- Shrimp, spinach, and cheese orzo (I still have some fun stuff in the freezer!)

9/18- Lentil Soup (Russian night!)

9/19- Turkey Burgers

9/20- That Spaghetti dinner we STILL have yet to make

9/21-Rice and Beans (Katie, I need your recipe...you're a genius at this.)

We were really making some headway on cleaning out our freezer. I have some vague hope of defrosting it at the end of the month. However, yesterday, a friend of mine moved and gave us the contents of her fridge and freezer. I'd say it's a setback against the goal of an empty freezer, but I can't call frozen blueberries, scuppernongs, goat's milk, pot roasts, sausage, bacon, and all sorts of other delights setbacks. Our food storage menu will be getting a little more interesting in next week's planning. Thank you, dear friend.

My husband and I recently read an article on the importance of a good home economics education and its impact on combating obesity, forming healthy fiscal habits, and improving general well-being. The article discussed the dangers of societies and generations that don't know how to cook, make grocery lists, or plan for the future (Or they simply don't do it, despite knowing). Apparently, not knowing/applying these skills as a lifestyle choice makes you fatter (you buy more processed food), less fulfilled (you don't feel the rewards of honest work), and less financially stable (fast food bills and grocery store impulse buys add up fast). Since I'm pregnant and gaining weight either way, I can't tell you whether the fat thing is true. However, I definitely feel more fulfilled and I've definitely spent less money on groceries over the course of this project. What's more, we've been getting through all our fresh produce and leftovers with almost no waste. The refrigerator is cleaner and the kids are more excited for dinner each night (probably because I am). This has been a ridiculously fun month. When September is over, we're sticking to our little strategy...although we'll probably go back to hitting up coupon sales and growing our supply again.

In other news, lunch and breakfast have been fun as of late. We've been making coffee cake and apple bread and granola and yogurt the night before (this lady doesn't like to cook in the morning, remember?) The crock pot oatmeal sounded great in theory, but I didn't take into account the fact that my whole household likes its oatmeal al dente...and cooking overnight does NOT lead to al dente oatmeal. Those leftovers are still in the fridge...and we are back to square one on the hot cereal front. C'est la vie. We've got an awesome supply of granola for cold cereal now.

Thoughts?

A Writing Post!

2011-09-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

Beloved Blog Readers,

I actually do write now and then. I'm behind in my writing group and most other forms of writing, but that which is nearest to my heart (the perennial mermaid book) is moving forward.

Which is to say:

I have only twenty more pages of editing left.

There has been blood and tears and merciless cuts and sweet little new bits of growth. The manuscript has grown by almost 10,000 words, which is saying something, since I deleted thousands of words worth of material, too.

Beloved latest batch of beta readers, if you ever read this book again, prepare for surprises.

And no, you can't ask me what I changed because

1) I'd be tempted to try to tell you,

and

2) I'd probably get it wrong.

I have the memory of a goldfish.* Whatever version of my book is the most recent is the ONLY version of it I actually remember and understand. Once, someone asked me about a subplot that has LONG since been gone, and it took me a minute to realize they were talking about my book. There have been many drafts of this book. I hope and believe this one is the best. At least, as far as I can remember it is the best.

This week was awesome because:

1) Several friends and associates gave birth this week...as well as a very dear friend of mine (after many harrowing hours of labor). Giving birth is an act of heroism.

2) We are sticking to our food storage plan with shocking accuracy (but I will not blog about it today...I have mermaid book editing to do).

3) The Thirdling (my own in-utero project) has made him/herself quite palpable to me.

4) The kind, mullet-and -trucker-hat sporting, chain smoking, belly-itching nursery sales associate sold me Mexican Petunias for half off because he said he thought his boss "was fixin' to have a sale soon." This is one of the many reasons it is better to shop at local businesses as opposed to large chain stores.

*But only when it comes to practical things. I can recite thirty minutes' worth of Lewis Carroll's epic, "The Hunting of the Snark."

Food Storage Escapade, Part the third: Menus and Malleability

2011-09-07T11:28:00.000-07:00

As Chinua Achebe would say, things fall apart.

But if you pick up the crumbs and press them together with some spilled milk, sometimes you can make cute sculptures.

Remember that cute little menu I posted a few days ago?

Things did not go as planned. And that's just fine. That's how we roll chez moi.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean we won't continue to try to be A-type, clean-house, eyebrow tweezing*, leg shaving** domestic aficionadas.

It was such a cute line up:

9/1- Chicken Kiev/Salad/Rice- Success!
9/2- Fish and Chips/Salad-Success!
9/3-Spaghetti/Garlic bread/Corn/Salad-The husband and toddler went to wal-mart unsupervised. They talked each other into hunting, killing, and bringing home rotisserie chicken, french bread, and grapes for dinner. I suppose I can't fault them for their instincts as hunter-gatherer-provider types. The spaghetti went unmade. The mommy was secretly (and not so secretly) pleased. However, it must be chalked up as a planning "fail."
9/4-Chicken Fajitas-Made on Tuesday night. I count it as a double "Success!" because the bell peppers were from my garden.
9/5-Ground Turkey and Barley stew in Crock pot -Made Sunday with the beef I had thawed for Saturday's spaghetto dinner. Success!

So I suppose now you're wondering what happened to:

9/6- Tortilla Soup (Thanks, Dana!)
9/7- Turkey Pot Pie (We have a lot of turkey in the freezer)
9/8- Black Bean Soup
9/9-Tuna Casserole

?????

Well, one of those nights was meant to be Monday night. We went to a labor day shindig that involved eating on monday night...so we just picked at stuff at home afterwards. The other three nights haven't happened yet...

This is a surprisingly strict adherence to plan, as far as yours truly is concerned.

So today is supposed to be grocery day (which may or may not happen...) and the food storage dinners are laid out for the week thusly:

9/7 (Today)-Turkey shepherd's pie and lemon meringue pie

9/8- Tuna Casserole and squash

9/8-Pesto Pizza (pesto from garden)

9/10- That spaghetti dinner we have yet to make

9/11-Crock pot pulled pork, frozen vegetables, 5 minute bread

9/12- Black bean soup, bread, frozen vegetables

9/13-Green Chile Chicken Casserole, canned vegetables

What we must buy at the store to facilitate our "best laid plans":

Eggs

Bell Peppers

Green onions

Tomatoes

Everything else we have frozen or dried or canned....however, I might cave and buy more fresh greens. This pregnant lady loves her fresh greens. A lot. I don't know if I can handle that much frozen veg...also, there are other things I find myself obligated to buy...because as a household, our quality of life plummets without milk, bananas, and various other fruits.

Goal this week: Wean family off of cold cereal in favor of food-storage consuming pancakes, cinnamon rolls, and oatmeal. This is easier for the progeny (they prefer all three to cereal) and harder on yours truly (who has a hard time feeling motivated to cook most mornings). We'll see how it goes.

Thoughts?

*I'm not going to tell you how long it's been since I've done this.

**Or this.

Food storage escapade, part the second...plus bonus writing updates and shameless knitwittery!

2011-09-06T13:21:00.000-07:00

Darling, eternally patient blog readers,

Yours truly is really, really bad at doing what she is supposed to do. However, she is very good at doing what strikes her fancy, especially at the end of a day spent doing things I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO DO RIGHT THIS INSTANT. We have had an unexpectedly large number of these days as of late. The result: I get impulsive and self indulgent with my spare time.

And this is what happens.

Remember when I mentioned homeless buckets of food in my last post? I found homes for them. I give you.....

An end table of somewhat dubious construction, built and upholstered by yours truly. (Started about a month and a half ago, finished quite recently)...

Inside this lovely end table? 210 pounds of rice and 80 pounds of sugar. OH YES. We're talking year's supply for a family of five (of said substances) all sitting neatly inside a conspicuously oversized end table. This is a happy thing.

Also! A closet! It is in here that I have stored other various homeless buckets, including those containing 15 pounds of oatmeal, 7 pounds of brown sugar, 20 pounds of basmati (READ: The best rice EVER), 34 pounds of pasta, and 50 pounds of white flour. Darling buckets, I want to give you a housewarming present. I am so happy that you are homeless no more.

There have been non-food storing types who have asked me: You Crazy Hoarding Woman, you don't actually EAT all that, do you?

To this I answer, Yeeessss.

In this month of September, I answer: YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

We've been eating a lot of food storage in the last six days. And it hasn't been half the hardship I was anticipating.

Do you see this? This is that lovely 5 minute bread I was telling you about. You can refrigerate the dough for weeks on end. It just gets better with age! You can mix the old dough in with the new dough to jump start the sourdough taste. Pictured here is about 3 loaves' worth of my latest batch of dough. Just 4 ingredients (water, flour, yeast, and salt) make this lovely stuff. When my mother recommended it to me two years ago, she told me that it was an impossible recipe to mess up. I blanched. I'm good at messing up things that are impossible to mess up. But she was right--you can't mess it up. I let the preschooler and toddler at it--they do most of the work, and it turns out perfect--probably better than when I do it. The link is on the last post. I'm too lazy to post it again.

Suffice to say, we've been eating a lot of this stuff. Here's what it looks like, fresh from the oven.

Hard and crusty on the outside, soft and chewy on the inside. Just like most people.

In knittwittery news, I have been knitting a shameless amount (this happens when I or the children are sick...and we've been sick as of late). This is what happened last July. It's a blessing dress* for a baby that is due THIS WEEK. Have I progressed much since then? No. Because I got distracted by...

This hat. It's for the preschooler. It looks about a million times cuter on her head.

Also, the matching scarf--it's made out of the same yarn, really! I'm just not much of a photographer. The braid is the same on the hat and the scarf. The toddler is getting one too, but in a color that hides messes better--maybe brown.

What's terrible is that I also got distracted from my distractions...and knitted myself a knitting needle holder. It's so much better than digging around in a jar for the right needle.]

And it rolls up!

In novel news...things are moving very slowly. This is one thing I can't do in the doctor's office, in fits and starts while the children eat breakfast and lunch, and in stolen minutes of quiet playtime. It has to be done during a decent block of uninterrupted quiet (Naptime) and that time has often been commandeered for things more important than writing. What, you say? More important than writing? Yes. There are precious few things more important than writing, and most of them are things my sensibilities forbid me to blog about. They have to do with life and death and family and love and salvation and, at times, the desperate need for a nap.

The end.

*In my church, babies get dressed up in christening type clothes and get a special blessing shortly after birth.

The Food Storage Escapade, part the first

2011-08-31T10:58:00.000-07:00

So.

I try to clean and reorganize my food storage twice a year (before General Conference in April and October). I didn't get very much of it done in April, so although I'm doing it early now, it NEEDS to be done. For extra personal satisfaction, I took before and after pictures.

Before:

Yes, it is embarrassing. But it's better now! Much better.

After:

(The sunlight behind was meant to give a cool effect....as you can see, I'n not really a photographer....time to put the board back up to help preserve my preserves...)

Those are three and five gallon buckets Dunkin' Donuts gave me for free. The little ones on the shelf (3 gallon) hold muffin mixes, 3 minute pasta, dry potatoes (mashed and scalloped), brownie mixes, fish and chicken breading, and bread flour. The 5 gallon buckets on the floor hold dry milk, cream of wheat, pinto beans, and bread flour. The green blob on the bottom shelf is most of our 72 hour kit. I wish I could teleport it to someone north of me who didn't have one for Irene.

I still have a lot of other buckets that need official homes....but we have yet to get to that.

In case you can't tell by the pictures, all of this is in a relatively small space. The shelf is six feet tall and two feet deep--you could fit it in a regular closet (with no closet hardware in it). The stuff stored on the shelves to the left could very easily be stored in much tighter conditions.

It will be interesting to see how depleted my canned food storage is by the end of this month...like several people have pointed out to me, eating your food storage for a month is a good test of how realistic your "year's supply" is. What are the things we have in abundance on our canned food shelves?

Mustard. Yes, that is a whole flat of mustard, and then some. I have 10 quarts of mayonnaise in the kitchen to go with it.

18 pounds of peanut butter. The official year's supply recommendation for a family my size is 7 pounds, but we seem to rotate through our peanut butter on a pretty brisk basis. Remember, it's essential in no-bake cookies...which we must resort to in the event of apocalypse/power outage because we are not yet the proprietors of a sun oven. And yes, I have 20-ish pints of jam and jelly in the kitchen to go with it.

Beans, corn, and those creepy little Vienna sausage things. They make me want to vomit, but the rest of my family likes them, so here they are...fresh from a coupon sale 6 months ago. There's another box dedicated to corn and green beans in the dining room.

Pineapple (and some other fruit), tuna, tomato soup, and evaporated milk. Hiding shamefully at the back of the pineapple box is a small cache of Chef Boyardee. This is something else that makes me want to vomit, but is a very real treat for my children. They would welcome a natural disaster if it meant they got to live on Chef Boyardee for a couple of days.

A box of "cream of" soups, a box of canned tomatoes (with two salmon cans), ketchup, and more beans. The bottom shelf holds canned tomatoes and tomato sauce, spaghetti sauce, and a little hoard of #10 cans of dry soup mix and dehydrated apples and carrots. These were canned by people in my parents' and grandparents' generations and lovingly given to us at the start of our food storage life. I am determined to consume at least one of these ancient #10 cans before the month is out. Some of them date back to 1989--I am only one year older. We'd be eating history--lentil soup mixes that were canned before the fall of the USSR, the invention of contact lenses and the advent of the internet! You have to admit that's cool. I think we'll have to have a Soviet night. I'll make black bread, speak in my broken, very limited Russian, and we will eat watery soup from ancient lentil soup mix. We might splurge and buy a nearly-rotten cabbage for garnish. We can talk about glasnost and perestroika and toilet paper rationing. Bonus points if you don't put on deodorant that day, wear five times your usual amount of makeup, and chain smoke.** If you haven't seen me in a while, you can hold and pat my hand the whole night, kiss me on the cheek at random, and burst into tears of nostalgia at unexpected times. You'll be in character.

But I digress.

My last regular "fat" grocery store trip was yesterday. Normally, I shop on Wednesday, but my dear Tammy invited me to Sam's Club (she has a card, I don't...but when she goes, she very thoughtfully asks me along) and I couldn't resist. I have now used the grocery money for the week. Next week, there will be much less grocery money because of our self-imposed food storage fast. The preschooler has been helping me pick out recipes for the month and so far we will be obliged to buy very little in the way of ingredients. Tonight's September Eve Dinner will run thus:

Butternut Squash Bisque
Five-Minute Artisan Bread* (Hand-Mixed by the Toddler AND Preschooler)
Salad with those incredible lettuce heads from Sam's club

I'm looking forward to it.

*I've made this several times before. It is very easy and very, very good. If you don't have the time or talent to make bread, make this bread.

**I'm not saying this is what ALL Russians are like. However, I have had the privilege of hanging out with various older, ex-USSR people in the course of my life and can attest that these aren't unearned stereotypes.

***************Addendum**********************

Here is the line up for the beginning of September, for any of you interested/wanting dinner ideas:

9/1- Chicken Kiev/Salad/Rice
9/2- Fish and Chips/Salad
9/3-Spaghetti/Garlic bread/Corn/Salad
9/4-Chicken Fajitas
9/5-Ground Turkey and Barley stew in Crock pot (Sunday is the ultimate crock pot day, you know...)
9/6- Tortilla Soup (Thanks, Dana!)
9/7- Turkey Pot Pie (We have a lot of turkey in the freezer)
9/8- Black Bean Soup
9/9-Tuna Casserole

FOOD!

2011-08-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

As most of you probably know, I'm a Latter Day Saint (Mormon).

As most of you also may have guessed, this is more than just a religion and a lifestyle choice for me. It's a nerd outlet.

Some people are football nerds, Dungeons and Dragons nerds, or fashion nerds.

What puts my nerd engine into overdrive? Mormon stuff.

General Conference is my superbowl. I plan for it. About six weeks out, I start counting down for it. I print off General Conference-themed coloring sheets and games for my kids to play and I make lots of food and invite friends over. It's a holiday weekend at my house. NOTHING is planned or done on General Conference weekend. We just party and watch General Conference.

Food storage is to me what clothes hoarding is to other people. It makes me giddy to buy a cute new 25# bag of flour. Where shoes cover the floor of other people's closets, buckets of wheat cover the floor of my children's closet. Sometimes I stand with the closet door open and admire my lovely wheat collection.

As I was thinking about the end of the year yesterday, I realized something:

October-November-December=Extremely decadent food chez Stewart.

October is General Conference, my husband's birthday, and Halloween. November means Thanksgiving and weather cold enough to make long simmering on the stove/roasting in the oven a bearable thing. December is Thanksgiving turkey clearance sales and then Christmas, which, as you well may know, totally does NOT start December 24th.

This is the season during which I am wont to make bisques, soups, stews, chowders, breads, roasted vegetables, roasted sides of beasts, etc., etc., etc. Oh yeah, and then there's the gingerbread, baklava, the ridiculously good carrot cake recipe gleaned from my culinary genius friend, the cheesecakes, the egg nog and pumpkin ice cream*, the pumpkin bread, the pumpkin pie, the pumpkin soup, the pumpkin cookies**, the cinnamon rolls, the orange rolls....

I get a happy little heart attack thinking about it.

So I decided to have a mini-lent in September.*** We're cooking out of the old food storage this month.

Grocery trips will be limited to certain perishable items without which we cannot survive****. It will be an adventure. Have you ever tried this? Do you wish to try now? Do you have any recipes composed of mostly non-perishables? Do let me know!

*I hate to add product placement, but bluebell's pumpkin ice cream is RIDICULOUSLY good. No, they don't know I blogged about it.

**The paternal side of my family hails from Morton, Illinois--the famed pumpkin capital of the world. This could be the reason I love pumpkin so much.

***The paternal side is also Catholic.

****Namely, milk and bananas. I think the toddler would not function properly without his morning milk and banana.

Why Irene (or any impending disaster) is okay with me

2011-08-23T18:29:00.000-07:00

Okay might not be the right word. But feared by me, unwelcome by me, or infuriating to me would also be wrong, because they are so peripheral.

It's like the time my daughter was playing in the front yard. The front door was open and I was standing by it, making last minute preparations to leave.

A big, strange dog ran into our yard and started barking in my daughter's face.

Anyone who knows me well will tell you I have a little "problem" with dogs. Even if it's a nice dog, if it's barking happily, I will stiffen. The sound of a dog barking on the other side of a fence will make me choose an alternate route to walk. It takes me quite a bit of time to build a trusting relationship with any dog. If your dog is "yappy," "nippy," or in any way unpredictable, your dog and I will NEVER BE FRIENDS.

Was I afraid of what could happen to my daughter? Yes. Was the dog unwelcome in my yard? Yes. Was I infuriated that that particular dog had made his way into my yard and was accosting my little girl? YES. (The owner and I had words later). However, all of these emotions were so peripheral they are hardly worth mentioning.

That's because the main thing going on was this: The moment I saw that dog approaching, every cell in my body morphed into a well-oiled cog in a DOG MURDERING MACHINE. I was on that dog like a leopard on a hamster. I rushed at that dog, bellowing incoherent phrases in inhuman tones at the top of my lungs. I was ready to shove my hand down the creature's throat and rip it to pieces from the inside. I didn't even get to touch the dog. It quailed and ran away with its tail between its legs.

While I was not happy that my child had been endangered, I am grateful for the experience on my part. I know now that my extreme discomfort around dogs is just a flea on the beast that is the Sammy-Mother.

I think adversity strips us down, and exposes the most tender and real parts of our beings. For some, those tender parts really are composed of a sad, decayed interior of fears and insecurities and the terrible truths behind the lies they've built up around themselves. But (I hope and believe) most people, when stripped and exposed, shown at their most raw and real, are fathers and mothers and siblings and human beings of enormous courage and compassion, with capacities beyond what they (or anyone who knows them well enough to know they are TERRIFIED of dogs) could imagine possible.

So yes--while it is a true statement that a hurricane is scary and unwelcome, those things are very peripheral to how I really feel about the impending Irene (and every other disaster that may loom in my future). Irene may end up being a big dog, but she is coming into MY YARD. That's a big mistake on her part. I will win, because she is as mortal as the next "nippy," "yappy," cur and she's wandering into the territory of someone who is meant to eternally be a wife and mother. Neither hurricane nor hell hath fury like unto the beast that is the Sammy-Mother.

In April of 2008 shortly after I first moved to South Carolina, we were in the thrall of pre-hurricane season. Every Sunday, the leaders of my church would stress the importance of being prepared, of having 72-hour kits ready, of how far inland we might have to travel to be safe from a hurricane. Each light rain made me a little nervous...just like a barking dog behind a fence makes me nervous (still!). Unleash that dog and see what happens. Unleash that dog on my children or husband, and you'll spend the rest of your life trying to forget what happened to it.

I realize a hurricane is bigger than a dog. I would not be able to rip the trachea out of a hurricane, and yelling at it won't scare it. However, I've done everything in my power to make sure that my family will be safe, clean, and well-fed in the event of disaster. They may be sick of power bars, canned fruit, and canned salmon when all is said and done, but they will not starve, dehydrate, or bleed to death because we don't have the skills or materials to control moderate bleeding.

I realize a hurricane (or anything else) could easily rip down my house and kill me and/or any member of my family. We'd still win, because we're still made of sterner stuff. The hurricane would quickly become a thing of the past. My family is eternal. I want to keep my house, my life, and all of my family alive and unmaimed. I'll do everything I can to that end--but when it comes down to it, I can't control the weather and I can't control everything that happens as a result. I've always been of the opinion (though admittedly, not perfect in the practice) that if you can't do anything about a problem, there's no point in getting worked up about it. The only thing one can do is prepare physically as well as prepare the inner, tender, and currently clothed and hidden parts of one's being and respond as best you can when push comes to shove.

Hurricanes, fires, and other natural disasters have enormous cleansing properties. Hurricanes clear out weak and dead trees from forests. Fires leave ash that acts as an excellent fertilizer and soil improver for many plants. Shortly after the WWII bombing of Japan, a tsunami hit the country and washed away much of the radiation that was poisoning the land. Later, it was recognized as an enormous blessing to the country. I think disaster gives humans an opportunity to be cleansed, too. Not by killing off people (I'd NEVER wish for that) but by ripping from us everything that is not essential--our homes, our property, and our jobs. When these things are gone, we have to figure out what actually matters to us or risk being destroyed on the inside. If we already know what matters to us, that knowledge will grow stronger still. The dead, peripheral, and weak parts of ourselves are killed off. Hopefully the dead, weak, and peripheral isn't what composes tender, inner, parts of our beings. If it is, we will die inside.

I hope no one is killed or hurt in the hurricane. It's a hope for something that is wildly beyond my control for so many reasons. I don't relish the idea of natural disaster. That being said, I love the idea of cleaning house, of tearing away the non-essentials and showing ourselves and one another the truest, deepest substance of our beings. Catastrophe is very effective in accomplishing this.

I'm not the guy sitting in the lawn chair in the front lawn, waving his beer can in a show of bravado as a disembodied plastic MacDonald's M comes bouncing through his yard. I have more common sense than to drink beer.* But I am a woman, a wife, and mother who is bold**enough to look at a hurricane's forecasted path and say, "Bring it on. My maximum potential can and will outrun, outlast, and outstrip yours. Threaten my family, and I will be on you like a leopard on a hamster."

*Or sit out on my front lawn in a hurricane.

**Yes, you can argue that "arrogant" is a better word...but we'll never actually see unless a hurricane hits us, right?

How Motherhood is essentially the same thing as writerhood.

2011-08-22T12:15:00.000-07:00

1. The idea of having a novel/ baby, at its inception, is really, really exciting.

2. Pregnancy, or the process of writing a novel, has really high highs (I'm pregnant! It's a boy/girl! Look, a baby bump! I felt a kick! And then this happens to our protagonist! This develops the plot arc! I made it to 25,000 words!) and really low lows (Why do I have to vomit like this? Why do I have to get up EVERY NIGHT to go to the bathroom? Why am I crying at a toilet paper commercial? I've sunk 35,000 words into this novel and now I don't know if I love it anymore. No one will actually like what I'm writing. I just don't feel like writing today. What if that feeling never goes away???)

3. The much anticipated delivery is loaded with more apprehension and blows of reality than anticipated. With the joy of having the product (novel, small human), you realize that you have just barely gotten started.(What do you mean, 'fourth trimester'? Editing? Oh, man....)

4. Once you've pressed through and gotten into the swing of things (YES! I CAN nurse/edit/change diapers/cut scenes AND STILL HAVE A LIFE) another monkey wrench gets thrown in...like teething, or a sudden and urgent need to query a premature project....

5. Regardless of whether they have ever reproduced or written a novel of their own, the public at large, if savvy to your condition, will shower you with unsolicited (and generally bad) advice.

6. There will ALWAYS be someone out there who is more prolific (10 novels a year! a dozen children and counting!) and better than you (three time newberry AND Caldecott AND Pulitzer AND Nobel prize in literature winner, children are perfectly behaved, potty trained before they could walk, and played Rachmaninoff before your kid could read...) Fortunately, being friggin' awesome compared to others isn't the reason you write/make babies.

7. It's addictive. And, despite all appearances, fun. Really, really fun. Totally worth the blood and tears and lost sleep and social stigma.*

*At least, that's what I keep telling my pregnant, barefoot, unemployed self/ my never-published-a-novel-despite-having-written-several, never-having-signed-an-agent-despite-having-queried legions self. And frankly, despite the condescending, pitying looks I get from time to time, I do believe I'm right.

A few brief observations before I try to be responsible with my life.

2011-08-18T11:09:00.000-07:00

1. Nap time is a natural exorcist. Nothing drives the devil out of small children faster than a good hour's sleep.

2. The end of the editing process is the WORST. It's always darkest before the dawn, as they say...especially when you are SO TIRED of revising that novel and your query letter trigger finger is so anxious it twitches in your sleep. E-query. Send. PLEASE! WHEN?? It's so hard to ignore those postings (New agent opens up shop with Agents and Agents Limited, Super-hot agent so-an-so is accepting queries after a long no query hiatus, etc.) when the novel is THIS CLOSE (at least I hope) to being ready to send. Then comes the work (harder than writing a novel) of crafting and re-crafting the perfect query and synopsis, making SASE's, typing out demonic spreadsheets of who was queried when and what they happen to like on their tuna sandwich (~~onions and jalapenos~~ first 50 pages, hold the ~~mayo~~ synopsis)....

I imagine this sounds like whining, but I actually like it. And I KNOW I'm not the only one who's a masochist like that.

3. I shouldn't even be blogging right now. There is a novel awaiting revision, Church talk awaiting polishing, and writer's group exercises awaiting doing. Darling everyone else, I apologize.

4. You-- dear, kind, patient blog reader-- should also know that I also have some drafts of exciting and much better-thought-out posts than this, but they must wait until everything else aforementioned is done.

5. I put together a preschool thing. To my surprise and delight, other mommies liked it, too! Go co-op! Whoo-hoo! We shall sally forth into another year of social semi-homeschool-ness!*

6. The Toddler has taken it upon himself to begin "going" in the potty. Numbers one AND two, people. This has spawned a little dragon of hope in my mother's heart that is growing at a terrifying rate. If he decides to back out now, I will do my best not to be crushed. However, I am totally buying big boy panties** this afternoon after the naps have driven the demons from my children.

*One of the future posts is on homeschooling.

**I know this isn't the proper nomenclature when they're for boys...I just can't get used to saying undies.

The Daughter and Disney Princesses, Part II

2011-07-25T12:05:00.000-07:00

Snow White

Also gets a C+.

The Good: Snow White also has an awesome work ethic. She knows how to put her nose to the grindstone and get things done. She knows how to be optimistic (Just whistle while you work!). She's also an excellent problem solver when it comes to matters of basic hygiene and boosting morale. It could be argued that kissing the dwarfs is using one's sexuality to manipulate, but it hardly seems that way. As my friend observed, the Snow White in the original film has the figure and temperament of a sweet eight year old.

The Bad: A sweet eight year old is not someone who should be getting married. Also, Snow White's most redeeming qualities have to do with sweeping cobwebs and bake gooseberry pies. While these are wonderful attributes for a woman to have, they shouldn't be the end-all be-all of one's existence (how on earth do they help you when you have servants and/or musically enslaved fauna doing it all?). Also, she is sweet and trusting to the point of being gullible. And she's really good at being a victim.

The Ugly: While Snow White is the model of propriety in the original films, the capitalists at Disney couldn't resist filling out her figure and dropping her neckline for today's merchandise. The pervs.

Cinderella

Gets a B-.

The Good: Cinderella also knows how to work and problem solve. She knows how to be optimistic and loving and forgiving and kind. She's a diplomat between cats and mice and a moral teacher. Also, there is a certain je ne sais quoi about her that makes me suspect that she is smarter than most Disney princesses.

The Bad: She's also good at allowing herself to be a victim. She holds her head high under years of domestic tyranny, but at the first sign of trouble (getting clothes torn, being locked in her room) she gives a few weak protests before flinging herself down and succumbing to gentle, princessy sobs. She depends on the deus ex machinae of fairy godmothers and mice to make her dreams come true. That being said, she's good and kind and TOTALLY deserves her magical support system.

The Ugly: Cinderella is very much like Snow White. Respectable in the film, yet hussy-ified for the modern consumer.

Belle

Gets a B.

The Good: Belle is kind, intelligent, and well-read. She doesn't put up with silly, vain machismo crap and is oblivious to social expectations and norms. Belle is my kind of lady. She is inquisitive and curious and knows how to go about discovering things. She is also diplomatic (although it can border on manipulative) and willing to look beyond physical appearances to find the real truth about someone (a very convenient attribute to have when you are imprisoned by a beast).

The Bad: Although it is good to be forgiving and willing to look past another's faults, when you've had a history of domestic violence with someone, staying with them in the hope that they'll change is a WRETCHED idea. I don't want my daughters to EVER think "oh, it's okay. I'm sure he'll change after we're married." NO NO NO. And NO. Let's hope it worked out for Belle and not follow her example, okay?

The Ugly: Well, it's no excuse, but she is a French intellectual. They don't have a history of caring whether or not bosoms are covered.

Tiana

Also gets a B...maybe a B+. I was seriously impressed with this movie. The story, character development, music, and southern delightsomeness was totally awesome.

The Good: "Look out, boys, I'm coming through." "I work hard for everything I got, and that's the way it's supposed to be." Another lady with an incredible work ethic. Raised by TWO (count 'em, two) parents, Tiana has ambition, skills, and a heavy dose of the endearing in her character. Definitely a good role model for little girls. Also, she DOESN'T make out with the Shadow Man...unlike other princesses we know.

The Bad: Tiana has the same problem as Belle. She falls for a prince whose character may not necessarily be up to par with hers. Does Disney think this is can be compensated for by the fact that he's a prince? I sure hope not. I'm sorry, but when you take a man-child with a lifelong history of sloth and lechery, I suspect it takes more than 48 hours of living as a frog and being lectured by a working class woman to change habits, impulses, and ways of thinking. Also, it's a good thing Tiana is such a career-minded lady, because I suspect her "reformed" rake of a husband has a few honeymoon gifts for her that might make children a non-option.

The Ugly: With the exception of two minutes in a borrowed dress and two more in the swamp, Tiana's pretty good about being a self-respecting young lady of the 1930's. Unless you count frog nudity as indecent (which I don't).

Rapunzel

Also gets a B+/A-. I was very impressed with this movie. It's up there with Sleeping Beauty in terms a visual awesomeness. The music's okay, but I saw this movie close to the same time as The Princess and the Frog, whose soundtrack puts most others to shame.

The Good: Rapunzel's naivete is well accounted for in the fact that she's spent her life locked in a tower with a dysfunctional relationship with her "mother." Good thing her real mother is still alive to set her straight in the happily ever after. She's talented, inquisitive, and believable. She's endearing in her faults and virtues and has a wonderful and believable development of character throughout the movie.

The Bad: I think high-risk marriage is epidemic among modern Disney princesses. Disney is clearly trying to compensate for the now-frowned-upon knight in shining armor being the savior of the defenseless girl trope by giving their newer princesses people with flaws (so the princess can have something superior/saving to the prince). Unfortunately, these princesses are falling in love with men whose flaws include abusiveness, lechery, or all-around roguishness, in the case of Flynn Rider/Eugene. Of all of these "flawed" princes, Flynn seems like the most likely to succeed as a husband. His fallibility as a rogue balances Rapunzel's fallibility as a shut-in. It broadens both their horizons, I think.

The Ugly: In accordance with the whole having a mother thing, Rapunzel is also pretty good on the modesty issue. This makes me happy.

So. Who gets the A?

I hope you guessed it.

Mulan.

Rarely included in the main flow of Disney princess merchandise, Mulan is the best of the "Princesses."

The Good: Mulan kicks butt. Yes, she disobeys her father, but she does it to save his life, not endanger it (unlike some mermaids we know). She makes rash and impulsive decisions, but she's also willing to work hard to follow through and make things turn out right. She's an independent thinker, loyal friend, and good at high-pressure decision making. She's intelligent and brave. In short, she is an excellent role model.

The Bad: Disobeys parents and cross dresses. However, in the long run of things, you can't really blame her.

The Ugly: Mulan also kicks butt at being modest. I think that this is because not only does she have a living and involved mother, but she also has a living and involved grandmother. Happy day! Matriarchal guidance! (In a completely unrelated note, I will never, ever willingly watch Mulan 2. No. Just...no.)

On a final note, I care a lot about instilling solid work ethic in my children (as you may have guessed). When the preschooler complains that I make her do "all the work" (i.e.picking up after herself, making her bed, putting away her laundered clothes, hanging up her dresses, setting the table for dinner), I point out the many Disney princesses who also had to work hard. This makes her smile and throw herself (voluntarily) back into her drudgery. Thank you, Disney. Thank you.

Thoughts?

P.S.-The Husband and I are both very excited to see Brave. Just sayin'.

The Daughter and Disney Princesses, part I

2011-07-25T07:01:00.000-07:00

So. The Disney Princesses and I have come to an understanding.

When I was first married and considering the proposition of children, I thought of Disney princesses.

And I thought,

"There is no friggin' way I'm letting my little girls grow up Disney princess style." By this I meant submerged in a culture of movies, barbies, clothes, and behaviors that I didn't want to rub off on their sweet, impressionable minds.

Then came the presents.

Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, friends, friends of Mommy and Daddy, and their respective pets all pitched in to make sure my daughter was endowed with Disney princess merchandise. And she LOVED it.

So what is a Patriarchy-loving feminist* to do? That's right. Unleash her literary analyst on a bunch of big-eyed, big-headed, big-bosomed, fluffy-dress-clad animated princesses.

In doing so, yours truly realized that not all Disney princesses are created equal.

In fact, they have ranks and grades in the mind of yours truly. Those ranks and grades actually effect the level of the daughter's exposure to them. Exposure ranges from minimal (she might see the movie at a friend's house...this is okay, I guess) to liberal (if my household is flattened by a stomach virus and the preschooler needs something to take her mind off the puking, I will not only allow, but suggest that we put on that movie that we have already seen five times.)

Minimal exposure (or, Grade F)

The Little Mermaid

As much as it pains me to fail a mermaid, she doesn't have much going for her.

The Good: Um...the little mermaid definitely thinks for herself. She's quite determined for forge her own path. Not a bad attribute.

The Bad: "I'm sixteen years old, I'm not a child!" Once, the husband and I asked the husband's grandmother what the last movie she saw in the movie theater was. She closed her eyes in thought and answered: "You know...that one where the mermaid disobeys her father?" That got me thinking...the little mermaid is REALLY a messed up little story. The teenage "not-a-child" deliberately and repeatedly disobeys the rules her father has put in place for her protection. The result is that she puts herself, her family, and the entire ocean in mortal peril. Her father is forced into a wildly compromising and degrading position. But since they escape by the skin of their teeth, Daddy just can't say no to true *ahem-impulsive16yearold*love and therefore gives her what she wants anyway.

Moral? What your parents say doesn't really matter if you're hellbent on changing your species to marry your natural predator.

The Ugly (Immodesty factor)- I'm one of those ridiculously backwards people who believes that covering one's body is an expression of self respect, humility, honor, and virtue. Seashells are not adequate.

Grade D

Jasmine

This movie came out when I about the preschooler's age. I had just learned about modesty and pointed out to my mother that Jasmine was NOT a modest princess. My mother told me that not everybody knew about modesty the way I did. She also added (under her breath) that Jasmine would probably be stoned to death in modern day Persia. As much as we believe in dressing modestly, neither my mother or I consider stoning a good thing.

The Good: "I am not a prize to be won!" Well put, Jasmine, well put. Glad to see you're not being dragged to the beheading block for your impudence...'cause I got your back on this one. All of Jasmine's beef with being an individual, being free, and not be objectified and sold like a Persian rug is lovely. If only she didn't undermine her own assertions in the last three-fourths of the film.

The Bad: Jasmine uses and abuses her sexuality to get what she wants, whether it's a chance to physically and verbally assault Aladdin or deceive Jafar. Way to put your money where your mouth is, miss not-a-prize-to-be-won. I realize that maybe that's all you got going for you, but I don't expect the four year old to understand the cultural and Disney-ified nuances of the film. So you are on the low end of the princess list. Using one's sexuality to manipulate is a BIG no-no.

The Ugly: Seriously, Jasmine, I don't think you're in line with the standard of modesty as outlined in the Koran. Of course, everybody likes to interpret scripture differently.

Moral? Assert your identity as an individual with rights and feelings and all that. However, if life gives you lemons, trade out your blue bralette for the skimpier red one, waggle your hips, and go make out with the most morally and physically disgusting man you know. Bonus points if he's at least 30 years older than you and practices black magic.

A note on mothers: From Bambi to Belle, mothers are notoriously absent from Disney Movies. I also realized that in the case of Disney Princesses, the modesty levels indicate the level of maternal absence. While many C and B grade princesses make mention of their mother's death, Jasmine and Ariel's mothers are just absent. My theory is that they are not dead, but pursuing lives to which motherhood is not conducive. The only thing they managed to teach their daughters before leaving was how to dress.

Grade C

Sleeping Beauty

It also pains me to give Sleeping Beauty a low grade. She exists in one of the most visually beautiful Disney movies of all time. The makers had the classiness to leave the music to Tchaikovsky. The result is stunning.

The Good: Aurora, like most Disney princesses of the 50's and 60's, has a great work ethic. She is helpful and kind and can sing ridiculously high notes. All pretty aweosme.

The Bad: Her character is THE MOST 2-DIMENSIONAL CHARACTER IN THE WHOLE FILM. You'd think that as the title character, she'd be a little more interesting than the rodents and fowls she serenades. But she's not. They have more character than she does. Also, bawling and running off from the kind fairies who raised you for 16 years just because they forbade you to see a boy (your one true love, of course) whom you've known for less than 8 hours isn't the most reasonable thing to do. Of course, she is sixteen. (Not a child, remember?)

Of course, the prince is pretty close to totally flat in his character, too. They're well matched.

The Ugly: While I'd never condone Sleeping Beauty's neckline, the most controversial thing about her dress is the color. And in my opinion, she pulls off pink and blue with equal fluffiness.

Moral: You don't actually have to have a character to be cute and waltz off into your happily ever after.

*It's not a contradiction in terms. Lots of Mormon ladies do it. There will be a post on it later.

Book Recommendations

2011-07-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

Two quick historical fiction recommendations before I start really moving this morning.

I finished CATHERINE, CALLED BIRDY the other week. It's a quick YA read, and completely worth the delightful shiny Newbery sticker on the front.

This completely hilarious journal of a girl living in the Year of Our Lord 1290 chronicles her fight against an arranged marriage to the highest bidder. One of the things I love about this book is the feeling of historical accuracy it radiates. In many movies and books, one is lead to believe that while the peasantry and supporting characters may have flatulence and rotting teeth, these things could never happen to the wealthy protagonist, no matter how medieval his or her milieu. The lovely maiden and her lovestruck knight smile at each other with straight, white teeth. Not so here. Catherine and her family suffer from grumbling guts, rotten teeth, and hangovers just like the rest of them. Also in accordance with the culture of the time, this book is rife with fart jokes, so prepare to let out your inner seventh grader while you read.

As the story progressed, I found myself really wondering how on earth Cushman could remain historically accurate AND give the reader and protagonist (Catherine) a happy ending. She did not want to marry and she did not want to become a nun. She certainly couldn't burn her bra and go live in New York City. What on earth was a haphazardly educated girl of the 13th century to do? You'll have to read it to find out. Personally, I felt that the ending was both historically plausible and very satisfying. The character development was graceful and the tone was perfect. Read it. Love it.

Also, I read THE HELP. This is one of those books that should come with a big, fat, parental-advisory style sticker on the cover that says, "Don't start this book unless you have a few days to lie around and read." It's very well written, immaculately paced, and beautifully tuned to the ambiance and voice of southern-ness. I don't consider myself a southerner, but I've lived in the south for three and a half years and have been party to lots of enriching cultural stuff...like attending baptist church with my neighbors, eating fried alligator with friends, and shopping at the fine business institution known as the Piggly Wiggly. One of our closest (friendliest) neighbor is a 70 year old black man who recently moved here from rural Mississippi, where he spent his whole life. That is to say, he was 20 years old at the time of this book. I thought of him an awful lot as I read this book. It takes place in 1961 in Jackson, Mississippi. That would almost be sufficient plot in and of itself. Stockett deftly weaves the story out of the narrative of three different women--two black women working as maids and one upper class white girl who, though an independent thinker, is shockingly naive. As the plot thickens and the characters grow, a story that is at once heartbreaking and hilarious, chilling and heartwarming, emerges. Read it. Love it.

Finally, my dear friend Katie sent me a link to a bit of crocheted genius on etsy. It's lovely. I think I might attempt to make one...only knitted.

On Sex, Sexism, and Judging a Book by its Cover.

2011-07-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

In Jim Trelease's brilliant Read Aloud Handbook, he asks a very relevant and mildly bothersome question:

If Harry Potter were Harriet Potter, would the series be as wildly popular as it is?

There is a double standard when it comes to consumerism and taste between the genders. Girls are a LOT more likely to read books featuring male protagonists than boys are to read books featuring female protagonists. Girls can get away with wearing pants, watching action flicks, and operating heavy machinery much more easily than boys can get away with wearing skirts, watching chick flicks, and knitting. I'm making no social or political assertions here...just an observation.

I would be willing to bet that several times as many girls saw the Bourne Identity movies than boys saw Eat, Pray, Love.

I would also be willing to bet that books with female protagonists, and more so, with GIRLY covers scare boys away from YA books that might actually be of interest to them.

For Example--

The Forest of Hands and Teeth is a literary, post apocalyptic, friggin' bloody zombie novel that features (among other things) leaping into a hoard of ravenous zombies and hacking them to bits with an axe. Sound like something a teenage boy might be interested in?

Two catches: 1) It's also very much a romance.

and

2) The covers:

Granted, these aren't the girliest covers in the world, but they definitely bear a little extra trace of the feminine. Here's a social experiment for you: Grab a teenage boy. Ask him if he'd be interested in a post apocalyptic, friggin' bloody zombie novel. Then show him this book and ask him if he'd feel comfortable being seen reading it in the halls of his high school. Hopefully you'd get the same answer to both questions. But I would guess that you wouldn't.

Another excellent dystopian post-apocalyptic novel is Allyson Condie's Matched. Despite the romance of the title, novel premise, and cover, the polticial intrigue and intellectual awakening of the protagonist in her post-apocalyptic world stands as a worthy contender for the main subject of the book.

But really. How many boys do you know that are willing to tote around a book with a picture of a girl in a prom dress on the cover?

Maybe I'm stereotyping. Maybe I live in a bubble. But I don't think there are many guys who would do that.

There is one book, however, that I hope (and think) transcends gender boundaries very neatly.

*Semi-spoiler alert*

Suzanne Collin's Hunger Games is (among other things) about a girl torn between two boys who love her. It's about dressing up and wearing lots of makeup and being adorable and famous and threatened and vulnerable. It's about star-crossed love and gossip and intrigue and having your own personal designer who designs several wedding dresses for you so the public can vote on which one you look cutest in. It's even about faked pregnancy.

But The Hunger Games Series is every bit a guys' series as it is a girls' series.

And the good people at Harper Collins had the sense to design their covers accordingly.

The YA Literary market is dominated by females. Books are predominantly written by females, for females, about females. I think that there is nothing wrong with a strong female protagonist (I enjoy reading strong female protags) but I don't want a market that overlooks half the population, either. I have a son. I want him to get as much of a kick out of YA as my daughter...in 10-12 years.

Now we move into the theoretical...

I have no way of judging my own book accurately, but I strongly suspect it's a girly book. If it were ever picked up for publication, it would most likely get a beachy, photographic cover like these:

For the record, I have read neither of these books and consequently don't have anything to say (recommending or otherwise) regarding them. I just googled "YA Beach Novels" and came up with these. And no, my book doesn't have anything to do with "Bad Girls" or Skinny Dipping. Unless you ancient cannibal witches as bad girls.

In the wildly unlikely event that not only do I get a book deal, but also am asked my opinion on the cover, I would turn wildly nepotistic in an instant. I would enthusiastically point the publisher in the direction of my outrageously talented graphic designer cousin Kari Schuerch and my outrageously talented illustrator cousin Rachael Smith. I think they could come up with something apt and not necessarily overly effeminate.

Thoughts?

A few brief notes before I actually try to be responsible with my morning.

2011-07-13T06:42:00.000-07:00

1. These people are making nautically functional mermaid (AND merman) tails. Thoughts?
Personally, I think this is awesome, bizarre, and delightful. I want one...in part because I suspect it would help me master the butterfly stroke. Yes (shamefully) I still can't do the butterfly. Also, the increased drag would probably give more oomph to a swimming workout. Also, I can chalk it up to research for my book...right?

2. I love you beta readers. You never cease to amaze me. I was convinced that by the third beta draft of notes and corrections, all grammatical and syntactical issues would have already been addressed. I am pleased (and humbled) to report that all three of you (whose notes I have worked through) have found different issues. Ten editors are definitely better than one. For any of you beta readers who have yet to return your notes, there is time! I have three more files of beta reader corrections to go through before I start missing yours. Thank you all so much. Again.

3. I'm pretty sure that this is the best version of this story that has been written/edited. That's saying a lot, considering how many versions there has been. Let's hope our publishing homies in New York agree. Big fat hot shot agent who has enthusiastically requested two versions of my book, I am totally going to hit you up a third time. Let's hope you reach a verdict this time.

4. I'm running out of excuses to be irresponsible. Time to go do grown up stuff like change diapers and buy groceries and printer toner and call the electrician.

On Novelling

2011-06-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

It's not you, it's me. I need this. I think we just need a little time, a little space, a little room to grow. Really. Don't cry. I still love you. We'll get back together, I just need a break. Please? I think it will be in all our best interests.

That's RIGHT. Despite the tearful protests of the toddler and the preschooler, it is NAPTIME. And they so needed it. They're both conked out and Mommy is getting her space!

Oh yeah...this post is

On Novelling.

Yes. It's a verb. As of this moment, I declare it so.

I am here to answer your burning questions with my writerly expertise. Yes. Me. Unpublished novelist Sam. Most of it is shamelessly gleaned from people who actually have managed to publish, but the longer I play this little game, the truer it all rings.

Burning question 1:

How do you write a novel?

Me: Apply posterior to chair. Write a word. Repeat 50,000-150,000 times. It works best if you divide stuff into beginning, middle, end, chapters and paragraphs and sentences. But you don't necessarily have to.

Gene Wolf, paraphrased by Neil Gaiman: You never learn how to write a novel. You just learn how to write the novel that you're writing.

Anna Quindlin: People have writer's block not because they can't write, but because they despair of writing eloquently.

Burning Question 2:

How do you get a book deal?

Me: Do I look like I have a book deal to you? Do I? HA! I drive a beater and clip coupons. (That last sentence, though true, was a joke...these things would probably not change with a book deal).

Mark Bowden: "There are no tricks I know of for getting a book deal. The proposal just has to find an editor who loves it. Given the great number of books published every year, quality is clearly not a major criterion. Getting published is a combination of determination and luck."

Burning Question 3:

So you're going to be super rich when you get your book deal, right?

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You are so funny. I love it. Rich. Yes. This is my plan...write novel, amass riches. Filthy lucre! It will be mine! ALL MINE! That is totally why I write. Heh.

According to Publisher's weekly, the average fiction deal is 10,000 dollars. Divide that by the number of hours/years I've spent on this book, and you'll see that I'd be much better off working at McDonald's. Subtract from it taxes (about 20% for book advances) and agent commission (another 10-15%), and I MIGHT still have a paltry down payment for the minivan of my dreams. Yup.

Most of these quotes were shamelessly lifted from Shannon Hale's infinitely entertaining and informative website. Just like the following list of JEWELS of unsolicited advice from non-writers.

"Why don’t you just write to Oprah for help?"
"You know what you should do? Write a book like Harry Potter."
"Why don’t you write something that people want to read—like Self-Help?"
"You’re writing fiction? When my husband’s through being a lawyer, he’ll write non-fiction. He wants to do something important. I’m not saying the world doesn’t need fiction writers, it’s just he just wants to write something that really matters."
"Why don’t you just write newspaper articles?"
"You need to do something to grab the editor’s attention to get noticed. Write your cover letter in colorful, wacky font and send the manuscript with chocolate."
"Just self-publish and make millions like the guy that wrote The Christmas Box."
"You should be a John Grisham or Tom Clancy kind of writer."
"You live in Utah. Ask the Osmonds for help."
"I don’t understand why you can’t get published. Bad books get published all the time." (OUCH!)

I've gotten some WRETCHED unsolicited writing advice in my time (some almost this bad) but I definitely think that these are the worst I've heard of. They make me want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

There's a reason that most of us unpublished writers stay in the closet as regards their literary aspirations.

I still haven't figured out what possessed me to come out to the world (by starting this blog). The best side effect is that I've been able to ferret out secret writers among my friends who find my blog and confess their dirty, closeted writing habit to me. We seriously need to make a secret handshake or something.

Also, according to Shannon Hale's website, 81% of Americans have confessed to WANTING to write a book. 2% of Americans have succeeded in writing a book. A small fraction of that two percent has actually published.

Darling readers who want to be writers: If it's that important to you, you have time for it. Dig around in your twenty four hour day. The time may need to be carved from Facebook time, sleep time, or personal hygiene time (I'm looking at you, people who actually shave your legs)*, but the time is there. All you have to do is decide that an internet social life/non-sleep deprived life/ basic sanitation is less important than your novel.

Voila! Novelling time!

I have written hundreds of thousands of words in the last 4 years of motherhood because I decided that somewhere along the line, my writing life was REALLY high on my list of worthwhile stuff. It makes me happy to find myself in the 2% minority (several times over. Yours truly has written an embarrassing number of novel drafts, but only three different novels out of said drafts.)

Now is the time for your 81 percenters to vault yourselves into the 2% bracket.

Dear fellow 2 percenters, let's claw our way into the .00001%** bracket and GET PUBLISHED.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

*Okay...I am one of you people. I invest time in shaving my legs a few times a year. And gripe about having spent time at it. Don't worry. I won't judge you even if you shave your legs every day. If my inner feminist judges you, I'll send her barefooted, pregnant self back to the kitchen. Yes. My head has a kitchen. However, my inner feminist isn't always pregnant and barefoot and hanging out in it. Sometimes she's vacuuming the living room in pearls with NO baby belly. And sometimes she is roaring and raging in the street and whooping around a bonfire of bras and stockings. But that's not what this post is about. One day I'll post the feminist thoughts of yours truly. One day. It's time to end this tangent.

**or whatever the actual stats are...

A love letter to readers.

2011-06-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

So.

Two of my beloved, wonderful beta readers sent my my book back. You people are AWESOME. I am so ridiculously excited. I read through your notes and and having an even harder time leaving my book alone now. I might have to make my own notes (off of your notes) and run through my book with them before the 8th. Just to get a head start on things.

Also, thank you for all the marshmallows.

You've reminded me what the biggest reward for writing is: reader satisfaction.

Writing is wonderful, but it's also a huge headache. There are a million things I could be doing with my writing time--napping, exercising, cleaning my house, reading, knitting, undertaking the million projects on my to-do list...but I write. I write because it's a part of who I am and who I want to become. That doesn't mean I always love it. (I usually love it...but sometimes I hate it. Sometimes I have to make myself do it. And other times I am counting down the minutes until naptime because I CAN'T WAIT to pick up on the scene I'm working on.) Bottom line is I write because must. It's an integral part of my identity.

Publishing (or aspiring to publish) is wonderful, but it's also a huge headache. It's stomach twisting to write and rewrite and rewrite queries and synopses and "why I want you to be my agent" and "why I'm an awesome novelist" bits. It's fun (sometimes) but ridiculously hard not to grow anxious/become overwhelmed when you hit your 100th or 200th rejection letter*. Waiting for responses is nearly as difficult as waiting to go into labor when you're nine months pregnant. In the few instances in which I have published pieces or won contests, I feel like a cat who has caught her mouse and suddenly the mouse is ten times bigger and I (the cat) am small and naked. That is to say, the thought process is:

"OH DANG OH DANG OH DANG I JUST ACCEPTED THIS AND NOW IT'S GOING TO BE PUBLISHED / I AM COMMITTED TO READING IT OUT LOUD AT A CONFERENCE AND EVERYBODY WILL SEE IT AND THEY MIGHT HATE IT AND THEY WILL POINT FINGERS AND LAUGH AT ME AND I WILL WONDER WHAT THE HECK POSSESSED ME TO WRITE ANYTHING IN THE FIRST PLACE I HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M DOING."

So you see...as seductive as publishing/public recognition is, it's also a huge headache.

But when an individual reads your book...and s/he tells you s/he liked it...that is pure joy. There is nothing but thrill and happy rush and sunshine and rainbows. That makes me feel like I was part of something bigger and better than myself and my work and my writing. I helped give someone else a good reading experience. My Northrush and Mermaids and Pirates and Protagonists probably don't look or feel exactly like yours, but I helped (in part) you experience your own versions of them. And that gives me great joy. When I think of all the worlds and experiences other writers have given me, it makes me ridiculously happy to think that I might have done that in some small way for someone else.

Thank you for reading.

*In the net, for every poem, short story, and novel I have queried in my life, I have definitely received several hundred rejections.

Peaches, Betas, and Query Hives

2011-06-23T11:31:00.000-07:00

A few things to consider this lovely June afternoon:

1. Some of my favorite things about South Carolina are peaches, watermelon, and blueberries.

2. Some of my least favorite things about South Carolina are June, July, and August.

3. I don't think I can legitimately have the one without the other.

4. Have you read my baby? I'm starting to suffer withdrawal. It's difficult to leave it alone, but I swore I wouldn't touch it until July 8. This is becoming...difficult, to say the least.

5. My human babies just started sharing a room. It's been an adventure.

6. I'm breaking out into query hives. They itch terribly. I will not scratch. I WILL NOT QUERY MY UNFINISHED MANUSCRIPT. Perhaps if I repeat that 300 times I will be able to endure the hives without sending so much as an e-query to a newbie agent. Help me be strong.

What are you doing this summer?

On Blueberries, Being, and Books

2011-06-17T14:57:00.000-07:00

On Blueberries:

Neil Gaiman sneakily slipped his way into the middle of our reading marathon. Gaiman, Neil's The Blueberry Girl is right next to Gag, Wanda's Million Cats on our library bookshelves. So guess who made it into the weekly stack?

That's right.

He made the list.* And The Blueberry Girl gets five stars. It made me cry. It was also beautifully illustrated. Read it to your daughters. Read it to your sons.

Now I have a serious hankering for blueberries.

The preschooler and I** picked three gallons the other week. They have all been properly disposed of.

I need to go pick more.

On Being:

Perhaps I am childish, but I like being so. I would consider it a tragedy to lose my sense of wonder and thus I do my best to keep it fresh and intact. Dieter F. Uchtdorf commented on it like this:

During my career as an airline pilot, I had the opportunity to be a check and training captain. Part of this job was to train and test experienced pilots to ensure that they had the necessary knowledge and skills to safely and efficiently operate those magnificent big jets.
I found that there were pilots who, even after many years of flying professionally, never lost the thrill of climbing into the atmosphere, having “slipped the surly bonds of Earth and danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings.”¹⁴They loved the sound of rushing air, the growling of the powerful engines, the feeling of being “one with the wind and one with the dark sky and the stars ahead.”¹⁵Their enthusiasm was contagious.
There were also a few who seemed to be merely going through the motions. They had mastered the systems and the handling of the jets, but somewhere along the way they had lost the joy of flying “where never lark, or even eagle flew.”¹⁶They had lost their sense of awe at a glowing sunrise, at the beauties of God’s creations as they crossed oceans and continents. If they met the official requirements, I certified them, but at the same time I felt sorry for them.

There are women I have known who have glowed with joyful anticipation of their 6th, 7th, and 8th children. And there are women I have known who, when pregnant with their last had an "I don't care, I already have (insert number of progeny) and I just want to get this one out of me, out of diapers, out of my house." This makes me sad. On the one hand, burnout is understandable, especially in the daunting job of raising YET ANOTHER CHILD. On the other hand, I hope that I never mature to this level. My last child will be the same as my first, in that he or she is a gift from God, a miraculous and divine creation, and even if I have ten (or more) children, I still will spend a relatively small portion of my life being pregnant, being a mother to an infant, etc. It's a brief and precious time, and I hope to be as excited for every one of my children as I was for the first.

The same goes for marriages. The husband and I just celebrated our 5th anniversary. I have a ridiculously huge crush on my husband. Upon observing my smitten condition, countless individuals have told me, "oh just wait until you've been married 6 months/3 years/5 years/10 years/30 years etc. You won't be so goo-goo eyed then!"

Dearest countless individuals, I hope you are wrong. I hope you are more than wrong. I hope that when I have been married ten years, my love for my husband now (at five years) will pale in comparison to my love for him then. And I think I do have a say in whether or not that happens.

Furthermore (and perhaps most ambitiously of all) I hope to learn as much in my last 23 years of life as I have in my first 23 years of life. Perhaps this is unrealistic of me, but if not anything else, I'll have benefited from trying. Life is a lovely thing. The only problem is that there is too much of interest....and I don't really consider that a problem.

On Books:

I just finished MURDER ON THE ORIENT EXPRESS. I loved it. It's Agatha Christie at her finest. The movie (1970's version) isn't too shabby, either. I stayed up irresponsibly late watching it with the husband.

On a slightly unrelated note, I've been knitting like a fiend during this vacation from writing. I've also been falling in love with SHERLOCK--a BBC 21st century take on the adventures of Sherlock Holmes. It's lovely and clever and does not misportray Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) like its eponymous original. Not that I take issue with that. If I were Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, I'd probably think Mormons were weirdos, too. There was no internet and fewer missionaries at the turn of the last century. Accurate information was harder to come by. I mean, really folks...PHRENOLOGY.

Dearest beta readers, I have finished a washcloth monogrammed with a "P." "P" is expected to make her entrance into this world on or around next Tuesday. Her (joyfully anticipating) mother read my book in less than four days. I consider this a very high compliment indeed. Thank you, mother of P. Thank you. And thanks to the rest of you darling betas, for taking on this book. Time is precious and I am honored that you'd lend me some of yours.

The End.

*For no reason other than being Neil Gaiman. That guy's contributions to picture books, middle grade, young adult, adult** and graphic novels** have much of the literary world in awe of him. To Misquote Shannon Hale (who was misquoting the Princess Bride at the time), "Never get involved in a land war in Asia. And never get nominated for a literary award when NEIL GAIMAN is also a nominee."

**(We also read BLUEBERRIES FOR SAL. It enriched the whole experience.)

**NO, neither of these genres necessarily have anything to do with sex or violence. You can have a G-Rated Adult Novel. You can have a G-Rated Graphic Novel. What were YOU thinking?

Tomorrow, I'm giving my baby away to you...

2011-06-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

And I'm so not ready.

I went to the printer place and printed off my book. I've been working through the hard copy with a read pen. I'm finding an embarrassing amount of stuff to fix. I'll implement all the changes I find before I send it, but I will most certainly not get to the end of things before it is sent. Darling betas, help me in my quest to hunt down plot inconsistencies, grammatical bloopers, and every embarrassing orthographic oversight in this manuscript. I look to you!

Oh yes, and thank you for volunteering.

Somehow, I thought that my circle of bloggy-writey people was more or less even between virgins and veterans. As it turns out, there are a lot more virgins in the world. That's okay.

Here's the list of you brave, kind volunteers. If your name is not on this list (and you want it to be), e-mail me by tomorrow afternoon.

The few. The brave. THE BETAS.

Veterans:

Tammie
Jessica
Anna P.

Virgins:

Marcene
Katie
Bridgette
Emily
Liz
Bethany
Cressie

Beautifully even ten! Yay! And again, thank you, thank you, thank you. I really should get back to scrambling to get all these edits implemented.

You people are AWESOME.

Your (not Uncle) Sam wants YOU!

2011-06-02T09:13:00.000-07:00

Dearest Everyone,

The time has come once again to tell you that I am ridiculously close to finishing editing my novel. What does that mean? BETA READING!

It's a game of tens. On Friday, June 10th, I commit to sending my novel to 10 veterans (who have read this book in previous manifestations)* and 10 virgins**(You who have yet to read it).

Read it on your computer (if it doesn't kill your eyes)! Print it out! Drop it onto your kindle! Enjoy.

Here is the informal understanding/agreement of beta reading.

You will:

-Read the book with the proverbial red pen in hand.

-Keep notes telling me where I'm wrong orthographically, syntactically, chiasmically, literally, metaphorically, hypothetically etc., etc., etc.

-Finish reading the book in 4 weeks--that is, you return my book and/or your critical notes by July 8th.

In return, your (not-Uncle) Sam will:

-Be forever grateful to you.

-Probably make you cookies.

-Definitely knit you something in the course of the next ten years.

-Possibly find space for you in her acknowledgements page, should she ever have occasion to write an acknowledgements page.

I realize that this arrangement is a lot more in my favor than yours. Just keep in mind that I make good cookies. And I knit very cute monogrammed dishcloths.

So! Who among you has the courage, the fortitude, and the capacity to stifle his snorts long enough to slash through a dangling prepositional phrase with a red pen? Step up! My book is stands before you to be judged.

The End.

*It's super different now. Promise.
**Not the New Testament parable virgins....

209 Book Summer

2011-05-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

Originally Called the 250 Book Summer, I decided to scale it back a bit, since we'll be including a few short novels and anthologies.

The husband graduates in August. I want this Summer to pass a quickly as possible.

How does one do that? By having fun, by savoring time. It's funny how this sort of thing works.

Among the funnest things we did last summer was our 100 Book Marathon. Looking through the Sonlight Curriculum and Jim Trelease's Read-Aloud Handbook*, I decided to plan a summer reading marathon...on a larger scale. The preschooler has grown into quite the young lady-she'll be four soon. Do I think she's ready for chapter book read alouds? Over 200 pages of A. A. Milne suggest as much. (She listened to both Winnie-the-Pooh books with great interest. It was most pleasing.)

I apologize for the inconsistent capitalization. My hands were a little achy from knitting when I drafted this and I didn't feel like hitting the shift key all the time. Also, too much capitalization makes me feel German.

Thank you, Microsoft word, for alphabetizing for me. I like alphabetizing, but I don't like waste precious nap time on it. Nope. Too many blogs to blog and novels to write.

So. After all that ado....

THE LIST.

1. Alborough, Jez- Duck in the Truck
2. Alborough, Jez- Where’s my Teddy?
3. Allard, Harry-Miss Nelson Is Missing
4. Ardizzone, Edward-Little Tim and the Brave Sea Captain
5. Arnold, Tedd-No Jumping on the bed
6. Aylesworth, Jim- Old Black Fly
7. Bang, Molly- The Grey Lady and the Strawberry Snatcher
8. Bannerman, Helen- The Story of Little Babaji
9. Barrett, Judi- Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs
10. Bemelmans, Ludwig- Madeline
11. Birdseye, Tom and Debbie- She’ll be comin’ round the mountain
12. Blake, Quentin- All Join In.
13. Blake, Quentin- Clown
14. Blake, Quentin- Simpkin
15. Brenner, Barbara- Wagon Wheels
16. Briggs, Raymond- The Snowman
17. Brown, Marc- Arthur’s Chicken Pox
18. Brown, Margaret Wise- Good Night Moon
19. Brown, Margaret Wise- The Important Book
20. Brown, Ruth- The big Sneeze
21. Bulla- Robert Clyde- The Poppy Seeds
22. Bunting, Eve- A Day’s Work
23. Burton, Virginia Lee- Mike Mulligan and His Steam Shovel
24. Burton, Virginia Lee- The Little House
25. Calmenson, Stephanie-The Principle’s New Clothes
26. Cameron, Alice- The Cat Sat on the Mat
27. Cannon, Janell- Stellaluna
28. Carle, Eric- Do you Want to be my Friend?
29. Carle, Eric- The Very Hungry Caterpillar
30. Carrick, Carol- Sleep out
31. Chesworth, Michael- Rainy Day Dream
32. Collington, Peter- The Angel and The Soldier boy
33. Collington, Peter-The Midnight Circus
34. Conrad, Pam- Call my Ahnighto
35. Cooper, Helen-The boy Who Wouldn’t go to bed
36. Cooper, Susan-Matthew’s Dragon
37. Cousins, Lucy- Maisy Drives the Bus
38. Cousins, Lucy-The Lucy Cousins book of Nursery Rhymes
39. Cuyler, Mergery- That’s Good! That’s Bad!
40. Dahl, Roald-The Minpins
41. Day, Alexandra-Good Dog, Carl
42. Delaney, A. –The Gunnywolf
43. Deming, A. G.- Who’s Tapping at my window?
44. dePaola, Tomie- Pancakes for Breakfast
45. dePaola, Tomie- The Hunter and the Animals
46. dePaola, Tomie- The Legend of the Bluebonnet
47. Downey, Lynn-The Flea’s Sneeze
48. Dragonwagon, Crescent- This is the bread I baked for Ned
49. Eastman, P.D.- Are You My Mother?
50. Egielski, Richard-The Gingerbread Boy
51. Emberly, Barbara- Drummer Hoff
52. Flack, Majorie- Angus and the Ducks
53. Flack, Majorie- Ask Mr. Bear
54. Fleming, Denise- The Everything Book
55. Fox, Mem- Hattie and the Fox
56. Freeman, Don- Corduroy
57. Gag, Wanda- Millions of Cats
58. Galdone, Paul- The Gingerbread Boy
59. Galdone, Paul-Henny Penny
60. Geraghty, Paul-The Hunter
61. Gibbie, Mike-Small Brown Dog’s Bad Remembering Day
62. Graham, Bob-Max
63. Gray, Libba Moore- The Little Black Truck
64. Griffith, Helen-Grandaddy’s Place
65. Grossman, Bill- My little sister ate one hare
66. Handford, Martin- Where’s Waldo?
67. Harshman, Marc-A little Excitement
68. Hayes, Sarah- This is the Bear
69. Heide, Florence Perry- The Shrinking of Treehorn
70. Henkes, Kevin-Lilly’s Purple Plastic Purse
71. Hernandez, Antonio- Erandi’s Braids
72. Hill, Eric- Where’s Spot?
73. Hoberman, Mary Ann- The Seven Silly Eaters
74. Holden, Robery-The Pied Piper of Hamelin
75. Holemund, Else- Little Bear
76. Howe, John-Jack and the Beanstalk
77. Hughes, Shirley- All About Alfie
78. Hutchins, Pat -Changes, Changes
79. Hutchins, Pat- Rosie’s Walk
80. Hutchins, Pat- The Tale of Thomas Mead
81. Hyman, Trina Schart- Little Red Riding Hood
82. Ivimey, John- Three Blind Mice
83. Jackson, Allison- I know an old lady who swallowed a pie
84. Janovitz, Marilyn- Is it Time?
85. Janovitz, Marilyn-Can I Help?
86. Joyce, William- Dinosaur Bob and His Adventures with the Family Lazardo
87. Joyce, William- Rolie-Poli Olie
88. Keats, Ezra Jack- Regards to the Man in the Moon
89. Kellogg, Steven-The Island of Skogg
90. Kellogg, Steven-The Mysterious Tadpole
91. Kipling, Rudyard- Rikki-Rikki-Tavi
92. Koide, Tan-May We Sleep Here Tonight?
93. Kovalski, Maryann- The Wheels on the Bus
94. Leaf, Munro- The Story of Ferdinand
95. Levine, Evan- Not the Piano, Mrs. Medley
96. Levitin, Sonia- Nine for California
97. Lia, Simone- Red’s Great Chase
98. Lillegard, Dee- Sitting in my box
99. Lionni, Leo- Frederick
100. Lobel, Arnold-Frog and Toad are Friends
101. London, Jonathan- Froggy Gets Dressed
102. Manson, Christopher- The Tree in the wood
103. Marshall, James-The Cut-Ups Cut Loose
104. Martin, Bill- Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do you see?
105. Martin, Bill- Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
106. Martin, Bill- Polar Bear, Polar Bear, what do you hear?
107. Mayer, Mercer- Frog Goes to Dinner
108. Mayer, Mercer- Frog on His own
109. Mayer, Mercer- Frog, Where are you?
110. McCloskey, Robert- Make Way for Ducklings
111. McCully, Emily- Mirette on the High Wire
112. McMullan, Kate and Jim-No, No Jo!
113. McNaughton, Colin-Here Come the Aliens!
114. McPhail, David- Edward and the Pirates
115. Meyer, Mercer- Ah-Choo!
116. Mitchell, Margaree K- Uncle Jed’s Batber Shop
117. Mosel, Arlene- Tikki Tikki Tembo
118. Munsch, Robert- Thomas’ Snowsuit
119. Numeroff, Laura- If you Give a Pig a Pancake
120. Numeroff, Laura-If you Give a moose a muffin
121. Numeroff, Laura-If you Give a mouse a cookie
122. Numeroff, Laura-If you take a mouse to the movies
123. Parish, Peggy-Amelia Bedelia
124. Peet, Bill-The Whingdilly
125. Porte, Barbara Ann-Harry in Trouble
126. Potter, Beatrix-The Complete Adventures of Peter Rabbit
127. Pulver, Robin-Miss Toggle’s Zipper
128. Rand, Gloria-Baby in A basket
129. Rathmann, Peggy- Good Night, Gorilla
130. Rattigan, Jama Kim- Truman’s Aunt Farm
131. Rey, H.A. –Curious George
132. Robart, Rose- The Cake that Mack Ate
133. Rohman, Eric- Time Flies
134. Root, Phyllis- What Baby Wants
135. Rosen, Michael. – A School for Pompey Walker
136. Rosen, Michael- We’re going on a bear hunt
137. Rosenburg, Liz- Monster Mama
138. San Souci, Robert- The Samurai’s Daughter
139. San Souci, Robert-Nicholas Pipe
140. Schneider, Howie- Chewy Louie
141. Schotter- Roni- Dreamland
142. Schroeder, Alan- Smoky Mountain Rose: An Appalachian Cinderella
143. Scieszka, John- The True Story of the Three Little Pigs
144. Sendak, Maruice-Chicken Soup With Rice
145. Sendak, Maurice- Where the Wild things Are
146. Sendak, Maurice-Pierre: A cautionary Tale
147. Seuling, Barbara- The Teeny Tiny Woman
148. Seuss- The Foot Book
149. Seuss-If I Ran the Zoo
150. Shaw, Charles- It looked like Spilt Milk
151. Simms, Laura- Rotten Teeth
152. Skillings Prigger, Mary- Aunt Minnie Granahan
153. Slavin, Bill- Cat Come Back
154. Soto, Gary-Chato and the Party Animals
155. Spier, Peter- Noah’s Ark
156. Spier, Peter- Peter Spier’s Rain
157. Spinelli, Eileen- Somebody Loves You, Mr. Hatch
158. Stanley, Diane- Saving Sweetness
159. Steig, William- Sylvester and the Magic Pebble
160. Steig, William- Brave Irene
161. Steig, William- Zeke Pippin
162. Stevenson, James- What’s Under my bed?
163. Stewart, Sarah- The Gardener
164. Strete, Craig Kee-The Lost Boy and the Monster
165. Taha, Karen-A Gift for Tia Rosa
166. Teague, Mark- The Secret Shortcut
167. Tunnell, Michael O.-Mailing May
168. Turkle, Brinton- Deep in the forest
169. Ungerer, Tomi- The Three Robbers
170. Van Allsburg, Christ- Ben’s Dream
171. Viorst, Judith- Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day
172. Waber, Bernard-Bearsie Bear and The Surprise Sleepover Party
173. Waber, Bernard-Ira Sleeps over
174. Waber, Bernard-The House on East 88th Street
175. Waddell, Martin- Let’s Go Home, Little Bear
176. Waddell, Martin- Owl Babies
177. Waddell, Martin-The Pig in the Pond
178. Wadsworth, Olive- Over in the Meadow
179. Ward, Lynd- The Silver Pony
180. Ward, Lynd-The Biggest Bear
181. Weeks, Sarah- Mrs. McNoch Hangs up her Wash
182. Wells, Rosemary- Max’s Dragon Shirt
183. Wiesner, David- Sector 7
184. Wiesner, David- Tuesday
185. Williams, Linda- The little old lady who was afraid of nothing
186. Williams, Pam-A Chair for My mother
187. Winter, Jeanette-The House that Jack Built
188. Wood, Audrey-Heckedy Peg
189. Wood, Audrey-The Napping house
190. Yolen, Jane-How do Dinosaurs Say Goodnight?
191. Zimmerman, Howard- Dinosaurs! The Biggest, Baddest, Strangest, Fastest
192. Zolotow, Charlotte- William’s Doll
193. Bulla, Clyde Robert-A Lion to Guard us
194. Cameron, Ann- The Stories Julian Tells
195. Carle, Eric- Eric Carle’s Treasury of Classic Stories for Children
196. Cleary, Beverly- Ramona the Pest
197. Dahl, Roald- James and the Giant Peach
198. Dalgliesh, Alice- The Courage of Sarah Noble
199. Fitzgerald, John D.- The Great Brain
200. Gannett, Ruth- My Father’s Dragon
201. Godden, Rumer- The Story of Holly and Ivy
202. Hughes, Ted- The Iron Giant: A Story in Five Nights
203. Hurwitz, Johanna- Rip-Roaring Russell
204. McCleery, William- Wolf Story
205. Osborne, Mary Pope- Dinosaurs Before Dark
206. Park, Barbara- Junie B. Jones and the Stupid, Smelly Bus
207. Stevens. Carla- Anna Grandpa, and the Big Storm
208. White, E. B. – Charlotte’s Web
209. Wrede, Patricia- Dealing with Dragons (Thanks for this one, Tammy!)

You'll notice that the alphabetization starts over again. That's where the picture books end and the short novels start. There are many repeats on here from last summer's list, but that's okay. We enjoyed those books the first time around. We own several of these already, which also simplifies things.

Steal my list! Make your own! Have a happy reading summer!

If I get around to it, I'll be posting reviews on a few of these.

Will we get through them all? Your guess is as good as mine.

I love booklists.

p.s.-On the grown-up side of things, I am almost done with P. G. Wodehouse's LOVE AMONG THE CHICKENS. It is HILARIOUS. I thought Jeeves and Wooster were Wodehouse's finest literary creations, but I have been proven wrong. Read. Love. Ponder the Ukridges and Phyllises of your life.

*This is one of my favorite books of all time. In my less than humble opinion, every teacher, parent, and person capable of spawning offspring (or otherwise in danger of EVER coming into contact with children) should read this book...several times.

So You Want to Write a Novel

2011-05-18T11:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes one is faced with sticky dilemmas...and not just in writing. When someone assaults you with grievously inaccurate, unrealistic statements, do you smile and nod (doing them the disservice of leaving them to their own ignorance) or suggest...yanno...THE TRUTH (risking accomplishing nothing other than ruffling feathers/rousing a wild-eyed insecurity monster?).

Human interaction is a funny, delicate thing.

In other news, I am in love with this group:

Apart from their awesome folk-rock-indie music, they are dripping in allusions to Homer, Plato, Shakespeare, the Bible, and John Steinbeck. My heart quickens in literary nerd-joy when I hear lyrics like these.

They have me back on my writing pony despite two broken legs. They are awesome.

My husband's comment on it: "It's not my place to point out the strangeness of things that bring Sam joy...since I'm one of them."

My husband does bring me joy. Lots of it. I love him even better than Mumford and Sons.

What made mother's day AWESOME.

2011-05-10T05:02:00.000-07:00

In no particular order, the awesomeness of Friday-Sunday:

1. Half Price vegetables as Bombadil's.
2. The kind people at Dunkin' Donuts giving me 6 (!) buckets and lids with the promise of saving next week's, too.
3. Buying doughnuts as a way of saying thank you for such abundant generosity.
4. Planting my half-price vegetables in Free Dunkin' Donuts buckets
5. Going to the temple with my husband.
6. Seeing friends married in the temple.
7. My daughter's drawing, entitled Mother's Day Dinosaur.
8. Waffles on Sunday morning.
9. This lovely pot.
10.Having loinfruits and husband with whom to celebrate mother's day.
11.Having a mom.*
12.Having a mother-in-law.**
13.The six foot alligator that wandered at a turtle's pace through my neighborhood, escorted by three policemen. The cops were on a little adrenaline high. They yelled at everyone to stay inside their houses. Half the neighborhood ignored them, and followed them and the alligator with cell phone cameras clicking. It made me wonder what it would be like if the alligator had been a mentally unhinged ex-marine with a gun.
14.My awesome homies who watched the loinfruits while husband and I went to the temple.
15.Going to the LDS cannery after the temple and buying wheat so I can pretend I am not domestically inept.
16. Going to Pie-Tanza afterwards and eating delicious pizza.
17. Using a $25 off $35 coupon at Pie Tanza. If you don't have a restaurant.com account, get one. Don't buy coupons unless they are 80% off. It makes life happy. And it makes eating out less of a guilty, shoot-the-budget activity.

In totally unrelated news, Osama Bin Laden is dead. I am not doing any navel-gazing about this. I'm not announcing how I feel about this. I will, however, quote a lovely piece of Facebookishness that has given me cause to laugh (darkly).

Status: It's bad manners to rejoice in someone's death.
Comment: It's also bad manners to fly airplanes full of people into buildings full of people.

*I love my mom.
**To all who struggle with their mothers-in-law, I am sorry. I think somehow I have stolen a disproportionate amount of the obviously finite mother/daughter-in-law goodwill out of the world's supply. I LOVE my mother-in-law.

Just a link.

2011-05-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Shannon Hale is quickly becoming something of a patron saint to me. (Catholic friends, is that blasphemous to say? If so, I shall recant.)

Read this.

It is so very, very true. All of it. A fire has been lit under the sore* posterior of yours truly.

*Pilates, remember?

Resolutions, Part the fourth(?)

2011-05-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

Remember last January?

Did you make resolutions? And write them down? And remember them?

I did. I'm averaging a B- right now for resolution keeping, but this is the longest into the year that I've remained mindful of them.

1) Read New Testament Cover to cover--- Grade: B+

I'm good on January-April. Let's not talk about May.

2) Read Book of Mormon from cover to cover- Grade-B+

I really like the New Testament and the Book of Mormon. And I like comparative reading. It's all good.

3) Run 3 5k's. Grade- C, will be dropping the course and picking an different elective.

I completed the 10k Train up plan (with the intent to run a 10 k instead of two of the 5k's)...then I got in a car accident and had massive headaches and neck spasms the night before the race. Each time I've tried to run sincehas brought pain. So I'm switching this goal with the Pilates that I've started doing every morning...BEFORE THE KIDS ARE UP. That's right. I'm getting up before them...and I like it. This is new. The best part is the pilates instruction video that I use. It's a Netflix Watch Instantly. The British instructor has a voice like Cate Blanchett. There are few better ways to wake up in the morning than by listening to some British lady telling you to squeeze your bottom. "That's right! Now hold it...it bites a little, yes? Now release...brilliant. Excellent stuff."

And I'll tell you--it does bite. A lot. The cool part is that lots of the moves are things I have done in physical therapy to help align my very fickle pelvis. There is much popping and stretching that happens each morning now. It is good. I'm hoping it will help arm me against the assaults of pregnancy, should that blissful state ever again occur.*

4) Rewrite mermaid novel. Grade- D

This is also something that is a little off track...it's happening, but slowly. And evolving...much. The old motivation reservoir is nearly dry. Need to find a new source...before the project gets dusty...

5) More calm, more happy, more progeny time. Grade-B+

It's been good. We have calm days. And we have days when the toilet gets clogged with fistfuls of Toddler socks. That little boy has a genius for messes. I love him.

How are you doing? What are you doing?

*Yes, I'm getting impatient. C'est la vie.

Books! (to read) and Books! (to write)

2011-05-02T10:31:00.000-07:00

As you probably already know, I REALLY, REALLY, love children's books.

HOWEVER...

Not all children's books are created equal. If Barney, Barbie, Bob the Builder, or Belle feature as protagonists, I'm not investing my hopes for a good read. The preschooler will still like it, but will probably not make the cut when it comes to acquisitions for the library of yours truly.* Yes, I am a snob.

All that being said, I am going to attempt to make a list of the best books you've never (or rarely?) heard of. We have our canon of children's literature classics that are popular for all the right reasons (See:Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, Curious George, Eric Carle, Berenstein Bears, Little Critter, Madeline, and Fancy Nancy**) but there's EVEN MORE to children's literature than that.

So! Here are the first few.

1. The Story of Little Babaji, by Helen Bannerman, Illustrated by Fred Marcellino. It's a delightful classic, gorgeously illustrated. The preschooler has it memorized and still asks for it regularly.

2. Bink and Gollie, by Kate Dicamillo. Three mini-stories left us aching to learn more of the exploits of this dynamic duo. Read them. Love them. It's almost like a graphic novel*** for the picture book crowd.

3. TUESDAY, by David Weisner. It's a brilliant book on several levels. Wordless books are fun, because your preliterate child can read them to you. It's an awesome exercise in role reversal. You ask the questions, she answers them.

4. Little Pea, Little Hoot, and Little Oink. Read them and you'll see why.

5. Crow Boy, by Taro Yashima. The art, the story, and the writing all blend perfectly to create a truly Caldecott-worthy book.

Okay. I can't think of a clever segue, so I'll just tell you I'm done talking about Books! (to read) and am ready to move on to

Books! (to write)

I have another book idea, darn it.

It's been added to the list.

It has to do with knitting....

....And it is a dystopian novel....

...and it's ridiculously tongue-in-cheek.

It's wretched how tempted I am to cheat on my mermaid editing right now. Help me be strong.

*Fin*

*The same rule goes for clothing. Yes, we have a pair of (much beloved) Dora the Explorer Pajamas and a few Spider Man T-Shirts, but the husband and I do not seek these things out when shopping for the children. That doesn't stop the kids from loving and wanting and squealing with delight when Licensed Merchandise finds its way into our house...and yes, we're just fine with this, you givers of Licensed Merchandise. Does that seem like a double standard?

**I'd never thought I'd say that about Fancy Nancy, but it's the truth.

***For the uninitiated, the term Graphic Novel does not imply sex or violence. It means unadulterated, illustrated fun. Check out Shannon Hale's RAPUNZEL'S REVENGE and CALAMITY JACK for some fun examples. It's kinda like a comic book, but with more substance.

A thought from A. A. Milne

2011-04-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

Some words of wisdom from A. A. Milne's HOUSE AT POOH CORNER, which is what the Preschooler and I read today before I lay her down for a nap:

"Pooh began to feel a little more comfortable, because when you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out in the open and has other people looking at it." (p. 266 in my edition...)

This is the great struggle with letting other people read your work. Blogging helps shuffle off the coil of self-consciousness a little. It's still nerve-wracking, though. As I'm editing my work now, I read things and shudder at the thought of others reading them...for their translucency or silliness or just plain poor writing.. I suppose that's a good litmus for deciding what to edit.

Thoughts?

writtery and knitwittery

2011-04-25T10:45:00.001-07:00

First, the writtery.

Shannon Hale posted a delightful blog post today that reminded me of something one must never, ever forget if one is to be a writer:

To be a writer is to be Irish.

My father (who is half Irish, I think) once told me that the essence of being Irish is to endure humiliation and discomfort all the days of one's life. It's something to which the Irish must resign themselves. I think he was being mildly tongue-in-cheek at the time, but I also think he might have been onto something.

James Joyce, Flannery I'Connor, and Frank McCourt all write believably and intimately about having egg on one's face. Yes sir, they are very good at it. So good, in fact, that the reader may be led to suspect that they have experienced the flush of embarrassment firsthand.

Not everybody can be James Joyce, Flannery O'Connor, or Frank McCourt. But if you are an author, particularly (but as we learn on Shannon Hale's blog, not exclusively) an unpublished author, you must either hide your passion for penning fiction or stand up to the slings and arrows of those who point fingers and laugh at you for pursuing an unlikely and impractical dream.

As an out-of-the-closet writer who has yet to secure a book deal, I believe it's worth it. Humiliation, I guess, is part of the game. And if Shannon Hale is to be believed, the embarrassment does not stop when you are published, or even when you are the recipient of the big round gold NEWBERY MEDAL.

So you may read this blog and point fingers and laugh at me, an unpublished, unemployed stay at home mother with nothing but a BA and a few small literary magazine poems to her name. That's just fine. I don't write (or blog about writing) to impress. I write (and blog) because it's fun to carry on a conversation with the world at large or myself at small.

In a funny way, resigning oneself to the inevitable humiliations of writerhood in particular and existence in general makes it easier to bear all humiliations which must inevitably fall upon us. We cannot avoid being snubbed, mocked, or just plain disliked. But perhaps if we expect it and regard it levelly for what it is, it will not throw us. This is a principle that makes me happy. One can combat humiliation with humility.

Now. Knitwittery.

It's wonderful. My friend introduced me to Ravelry.com. It's crack for knitters. In the last month, yours truly has figured out how to achieve short row shaping, yarn-overs, fair-isle stranding, and twisted cables, among other things. It's ridiculously, diabolically fun.

Here are some of the projects I have started/will start when the current three are finished:

I'm rapidly falling in love with Norwegian style handknits and woolens. My poor children are going to look ridiculously anachronistic in the wintertime.

Try knitting. Love it. It is happy Juju.

Upon finding myself in a quiet house at naptime...

2011-04-21T11:48:00.001-07:00

I believe there are far too many things to do with these precious silent minutes.

I am currently in the process of converting my book to present tense first person. It's busy work, not creative work, and somehow that makes me feel less guilty for slacking on it....

But I'm also knitting this:

I've completed the yoke and sleeves and am 1/3 of the way down the skirt but still a little worried that I won't complete it before the baby in question** is born. Also, I REALLY want to make the corresponding booties and bonnet. It's strange.*

Also, there are a dozen other knitting projects I'm aching to try.

Also, I need to find a few 5k's to run PRONTO.***

Also, Spring cleaning is still underway.

Also, it's late afternoon on laundry day and I still have 2 more loads to wash....

AND I want to blog.

Too many things, too little time. The funny thing is, 60-90 minutes from now when the progeny wake up, I will be missing them. I'll still be wanting time for the above list of stuff, but I will be missing them and happy that they are once again awake to snuggle and play and fight and make messes. And all of my list will be set on the backburner while we set up our newly acquired hammock**** in the backyard and then swing in it.

*No, really. I'm craftily challenged. The fact that this has both 1) come *relatively* easily to me and 2) become something I've grown passionate about is VERY, VERY strange.

**The daughter of a friend of mine, scheduled to make her debut in May.

***Because I am very much in the mood for another loinfruit and if said loinfruit decides to...attach him or herself to me in the near future, my New Year's resolution to run 3 5k's will be in serious jeopardy. If it weren't for a car accident (minor, but still jarring) I'd have already accomplished this goal.

****I've been in the market for a hammock for 6 months now, and finally found one for a reasonable price at Big Lots. It's a very happy thing. Discount stores are the best.

On the aesthetics of nothingness

2011-04-18T12:12:00.001-07:00

So.

The husband and I are reading TIGER RISING in stolen moments of the evening and yesterday at the children's naptime.

It has been lovely. Kate DiCamillo always makes me cry. And laugh. And marvel at how beautiful sparse writing can be.

To misquote Shannon Hale (who was quoting someone else at the time), good poetry is a conversation with the empty space on the page.

I would submit that good writing is, too.

The writing that has the strongest impact on yours truly is writing that communicates just as much in what it doesn't say as in what it does say...if that makes sense.

The writing of yours truly, on the other hand, has a strong tendency to go for baroque.

Not that there's anything wrong with baroque. I like baroque, too. That doesn't change the fact that I admire things that are sparse and poignant.

Kate DiCamillo is both. Suzanne Collins, in a peculiar way, also achieves it.

On a mildly related note, I bought TIGER RISING at a library book sale for 25 cents last Saturday. I met up with my booko buying pirate friends and we had a jolly raid. Be a patron of your local library. Check out books. Return books. Donate. Buy the books they sell. They are SO worth it. Literacy is what makes a nation great. Our public libraries are to blame for the development of all sorts of remarkable people.

*Stepping down from soapbox now.*

Also they have incredible prices at these book sales. I also bought the complete works of A. A. Milne (brand new, hardcover) for 12.5 cents. The preschooler loves it. I'm excited that she loves something that has a much higher text-to-picture ratio. Pretty soon, I'll be reading her Dostoevsky during bathtime. Maybe.

Now, for the announcement of my lofty and probably unrealistic goals for the summer:

1. Teach the Preschooler to Read
2. Teach the Preschooler and Toddler to Swim
3. Toilet train the Toddler
4. Read 200 books aloud to progeny between June and August
5. Complete Editing, Beta-Reading Compilations, and Re-Editing, thus having Mermaid Book ready for queryland by September.

Whether or not I succeed in these goals, I suspect it will be a delightful summer. I shall be buying our pool pass anon.

What are you doing with your golden summertime?

Hi

2011-04-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

How are you? It's been a while.

I'm climbing out from underneath a rock. I've been under that rock for nearly three weeks.

Which is to say, I haven't really worked on my novel. For three weeks. I was trying to let it settle before I took the Red Pen of Death to it.

What, you might ask, did I do with my children's naptime?

I knitted. And cleaned. And read about the rise of eating disorders among Jewish Orthodox girls.*

But I'm back. And I've decided that this tome should be present tense and first person. Yes, you may point fingers and call me a conformist. You'd probably be right.

It's going to be awesome. I hope.

Also, I taught a lesson on food storage for the Relief Society** in my ward***. At one point, I was trying to find a picture of a can from the cannery for my totally awesome powerpoint presentation.. And this is what google images gave me:

It makes me giggle. A lot. I shouldn't. Tattoos are against my religion.

*Oh internets. You are so good at distracting me. I was just trying to get a good lamb recipe for my passover feast...

**Women's organization

***unit of my church...like a parish or congregation.

A somewhat religious, somewhat LDS, somewhat ecumenical post

2011-04-07T10:34:00.001-07:00

So.

Last weekend was one of my two FAVORITE weekends of the year. It was General Conference weekend.

It got me thinking (it always gets me thinking) about a lot of things (principles, people, situations, experiences).

The big thought of this General Conference was that there are a lot of things, though mildly interesting, that fall somewhere between peripheral and TOTALLY IRRELEVANT when it comes to the faith of yours truly.

Among these:

-Nearly everything having to do with polygamy

-Debates concerning evolution and creation

-Johnny Lingo

-Jell-O Salad

-Debates regarding the place of patriarchy, women, and the priesthood

-Joseph Smith and Freemasonry

-Accusations of homophobia

-Accusations of bigotry

-Arguments as to whether or not the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is a Christian religion (I know, right?)

-Self-Righteous, hypocritical, or otherwise untoward behavior from members of my faith.* (Those Mormons have got to be wrong because they're all so (insert unkind descriptor).

-Self-Righteous, hypocritical, or otherwise untoward behavior from people outside my faith* (Those Mormons have got to be right because they're all so much more (insert kind descriptor) than anyone else).

There are very few things that actually do make my faith what it is. My faith is a divine gift that is given in accordance to my actions and desires. Neither God nor man forced my faith on me. I asked for it and I earned it. People will talk about how they have had these mind-blowing experiences, personal challenges, or what-have-you that made them sure (or unsure) of their faith. My faith is not a burning bush in the wilderness. It's a hoard of birthday candles and tea lights in a small room. Every day, some are lit according to my will and worthiness. The added light and warmth is almost imperceivable, but it's there. Some weeks I take a step back and enjoy the warmth and light in my little room, and in other weeks, I have to sit down and find the source of the draft that is snuffing out candles. I don't like cold, dark rooms. I don't want to live in one.

I do believe I belong to the true faith, to the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. That doesn't mean I think I'm better than you. It means that I have privileges in my life that I have to live up to. It means that I would be doing a disservice to myself and everyone else if I pretended that things weren't as they actually are. Above all, it means (as it does with every Christian, and most religions) that I have an important charge to love everyone. Including those who like to point fingers and call names like "bigot," "homophobe," and "deluded blind follower."

Sometimes, the blindness is in the eye of the beholder. And blind people need love as much as anyone else.

The end.

*No one's perfect. Every church is made up of human beings. Belonging to a church is about belonging to God, not about belonging to a hoity-toity club of morally superior beings. That being said, it's safe to assume that most members of your faith are putting forth effort in the character arena because of their faith(at least in part). Let's stop judging those we perceive to be judgmental, shall we?

Hurricane season started early this year...

2011-03-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

...and that's not necessarily horrible.

Last night, as I was curled up on the couch with the husband and knitting, my little writer boat drifted into a tempest.

I stopped knitting.

The husband asked me is I was alright. Several times.

I look grumpy when I'm thinking hard...even about ideas that I'm wildly happy/excited about.

I wrote. And wrote and wrote.

I wrote down more in ideas than I normally write in prose.

When I finally went to bed, I kept waking up from dreams in which the ideas played out in rich, excruciatingly awesome detail.

Dear friends and readers, I am so very excited.

This book wants to be written. It's mostly drafted. But in the end, it will be written and, hopefully, written well.

I want this book--and the second and third (YES, most certainly going to be a second and a third). I want them so badly I'm going to go to the trouble of writing them...and to the greater trouble of editing them. I want them for me. I want to give them to you.

Now, if you will excuse me, I must return to my writer boat before the maelstrom swallows it.

On enduring to the end

2011-03-28T10:59:00.000-07:00

...Today, I got the hang of continental style knitting.

I watched a video or two (see link) on Saturday. I fought with my yarn on Sunday. After the children went to bed and the husband and I were settling down for a quiet evening of hanging out, I announced that I was giving up trying to learn continental style.

He raised an eyebrow and asked, "Already?"

That was all it took. I tried some more. And hated every minute of it. I dropped stitches, my knitting was slow and uneven, etc., etc., etc.

I eventually slipped back to my homemade knitting method.

This morning, I tried again. And by some miracle of muscle memory, my hands did precisely what they were supposed to. I knitted evenly and about 3 times faster than with my homemade method.

I'm an impatient child when it comes to accomplishing what I want. I'm too embarrassed to tell you the number of times I considered quitting learning continental knitting in the last 48 hours.*

I will also tell you that I have considered quitting writing. Often.

I haven't considered quitting completely. Just quitting the schedules that I impose on myself, the intensive query writing and rewriting, the revisions, the revisions, the revisions. I could just be someone who wrote a poem when she felt like it, a short story when she felt like it, submitted to the occasional magazine when the mood struck her. There are so many other things I could be doing during the children's naptime. Like cleaning the bathroom, knitting for the gajillions of babies in utero, making dinner, or embarking on the mile long list of organizational/home improvement/domestic projects that need to happen around here.

But no. Call it ambition, vanity, diligence, or insanity, but I want to be a novelist. If this** makes it to publication, I have no excuse to not publish***. Right? Right?

I'm at the end. If I wrote every day this week, I'd probably finish. But we've hit the doldrums and for some inexplicable reason, my hands want to knit, not row the little writing boat towards the fair winds. I know what needs to be written...just like I knew (intellectually) how continental style knitting was supposed to work. It just has to happen. Gosh darn it...I'm going to stop procrastinating and go write.

Beta virgins and veterans, you'll get a manuscript in 2-3 months. Hopefully.

Quitting doesn't get me what I want (apart from more time for things that are less important to me than writing).

What will you not quit?

*especially considering how little of that time was spent trying. My knitting time is a composite of five minutes here, five minutes there, and 30-45 minutes after the children go to bed at night. It's not like I was sitting around for two days straight trying to get this.

**I found this book on prime display at Barnes and Noble the last time the husband and I went on a date. It would have been wildly depressing, but instead was somewhat funny and ironic...because it was rubbing elbows with Amy Chua's BATTLE HYMN OF THE TIGER MOTHER. Thank you, Ms. Chua. Thank you.

***Apart from my failing to be a big-haired, highly mocked, quasi-celebrity. Having no interest in Jersey Shore coupled with not owning a TV has deprived me of the cultural experience of watching. That doesn't mean I never hear commentary about said programming from my associates on facebook. You know who you are. Don't try to act innocent.

For your weekend reading...

2011-03-26T11:52:00.000-07:00

Please read this blog post. Here is a woman with whom I have yet to disagree (which makes her a very rare specimen indeed!).

I love being a mother. If you think you understand how I feel better than I do, or that the joy I derive is blown out of proportion to compensate for monetary loss, you are one sad, sad human being. Hopefully one day you'll grow a soul.

Things I love. Also, if I were a rich man...

2011-03-24T11:22:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm a woman. But I want to evoke visions of Tevye stepping in cow pies, not Gwen Stefani doing whatever Gwen Stefani does.

Things I love:

1) This blog post. The lesson is applicable to so much more than those of us wishing we could write the query that would make agents beg for the manuscript.

2) Reciting poetry. To my great nervousness, I have occasion to recite to an audience wider than just my preschooler and toddler tonight.

3) Knitting. This hat is REALLY cute. What I've knitted of it, anyway.

4) The Village Knittery in Summerville. Not only do they sell yarns in wool, alpaca, cotton, silk, cashmere, corn, soy, and kelp (!)* fibers, but their cashier is a burly, goatee-and-mustachioed southern man in lumberjack plaids and Clemson hat who can teach you all about yarning over and cabling aran patterns. I do not jest. This place is dangerous to my bank account. Must. Stay. Away.

5) Writing the ending to a story (when I know the ending to said story). This is what I am doing now.

6) The progeny. Just when I think this whole mommy gig can't get more interesting, it does. Can't quite quantify what makes it so awesome, but the nature of the work feels like it's evolving...again. And I like it.

7) The Husband Dear. He's the best. And he smells good.

Now. If I were rich**...

1) If I were staying the the Charleston area, I'd relocate to one of those adorable Victorian Cottages in Summerville. Slightly embarassing to admit, since I admire people who stay in their houses even when their financial situation takes a turn for the dramatically better.

2) I'd buy exclusively organic.

3) The village knittery would get a lot more business from me.

4) Agents who require snail mail queries would probably hear from me more.

5) My children would probably end up in Catholic School (if they were not homeschooled).***

6) My beloved Belgian, Alaskan, Oregonian, and Utahan,, Californian, and Midwestern relatives would see a whole lot more of us.

7) I would drive a minivan. A super nice one.****

8)We would import some of our progeny, probably daughters*****, from China,India, and Africa. This doesn't mean we would stop manufacturing them at home. I like homemade children, too.

9) The husband and I would spend our post-progeny rearing years traveling on missions for our church and visiting progeny and grand-progeny.

That's about all I can think of.

What would you do?

*I thought fabric out of kelp was something I invented for my mermaid story. Oh, how wrong I was. It's amazing as a yarn, by the way.

**This is the other side to the "preparing for poverty" post.

***Another difficult decision that will become quite pertinent in the next year.

****Also mildly embarrassing to admit, since I take pride in avoiding car loans on a matter of principle. Also, I love my ghetto-fabulous car.

*****Because there is, betimes, a tragic lack of appreciation for baby girls. I happen to LOVE baby girls. Baby boys, too.

Virgins and Veterans

2011-03-23T13:27:00.000-07:00

and other happy thoughts.

1) The baby sweater is complete. Pictures to come. Also, a hat is underway. Who would've guesssed?

2)MERMAID BOOK has reached 50,110 words. It will probably be done in the next 4-ish weeks. So...

4-ish weeks from now: Put book down and walk away. For three weeks. Seriously. NO mermaid book for three weeks. None for me, none for you, none for the parakeet named Lester.* Knit obscene amounts of baby accouterments. Jazzercise.**

3 weeks later: Read mermaid book. Pull hair out over plot inconsistencies. Make the difficult and final decisions regarding tense and point of view. Edit. Edit. Edit.

3 weeks later: Edit some more.

June/July-ish: Give book to 10 mermaid book virgins and 10 mermaid book veterans. All may read at their leisure, but there will only be 30 days of reading before yours truly collects critiques.

30 Days later: Compile all oatmeal and marshmallows. Analyze. Pull out hair some more. Edit. Edit. Edit.

October: Swear off editing. Convince oneself that further editing will lead to seizures. Perfect query letter. Query shameless amounts of people.

*Fin*

Hopefully the game plan moves forward beyond that. Hopefully I get a unicorn one day.

What's your game plan?

p.s.-for your reading pleasure, I present you with pie charts that make me giggle in a wicked way.

Here

and

here.

p.p.s.- I just realized that I used the words "obscene" and "swear" without ever having the topic of profanity in mind. This also is funny to me.

*There's not actually a parakeet named Lester, as far as I am aware.

**Not really. Seriously, NO. Maybe Zumba.